high school never ends

I had a really great time last Sunday with my friends back in high school. Actually, they are friends since junior year and we call our group Tropang Group One or (TG1) because our friendship was established when our Home Economics professor asked us to group ourselves. The ten of us ended up together for the rest of the junior year. I must admit, a great deal of things have changed. It doesn't surprise me that we still go back to our stories back in high school over and over again. I always had fun reading their letters to me every time I scan my letterbox and reminding them on meetings of their mushiness back in high school. We would always bring up topics about past crushes and teasing each other who was crazy over who, who cried over what, and who defecated where. I guess it's normal since there have been new sets of friends, all we could do is tell stories which everyone can relate to. I had so much fun spending time with them listening to their stories and discovering how much of a changed person some of my friends are. However, it was just kind of sad to think that I have stories that I couldn't tell. Well, the closest person whom I could talk to about my recent endeavours would be Mon since he still belonged to my sets of college friends. For others, though, I had to spend a full 30 minutes with each one of them just so I could be updated with his or her current endeavours. Of course, it was not enough. I have missed a lot of my friends' stories and vice versa which I find quite frustrating. There are a lot of things I want to share but some gap is restricting me to do so.

Then I realized this is how high school goes. We have different lives now. Back in high school, all we talk about were family problems, crushes, teachers, fellow classmates, and other superficial issues like how the star section was more prioritized than us, academically mediocre but extremely interesting students. Not that I think the students from the star section were boring. I just think the lower, non-prioritized, and underestimated sections have more fun and interesting stories to tell. We've got more humiliating stories to reveal and hilarious moments to share. Don't fret. It's merely my own self-absorbed opinion. Going back, I realized I should feel fortunate that I still have the chance to spend time with my old friends and at the same time meet new friends in the persona of old classmates and batchmates whom I never really got the chance to hang out with before.

I guess we'll really never know how our friendship would end up in the future. Who would still be regularly present on get-togethers? Who would introduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend? Or even the simple question of "Are we all going to stay friends forever?" Of course, we are. Our friendship was founded not only on laughters but also on heartbreaking experiences and numerous fights. I even wrote a chic-lit type of story about our group in 3rd year which unfortunately I did not have the chance to finish (some of them have read it and encouraged me to finish it until our high school graduation). Nonetheless, I wish I could tell them more about how my life has changed too--tell them more than just lovelife issues or recent high school gossips. I guess I'll just have to wait 'til the invisible communication gap will be filled with more time with them. I guess I just missed them so much.

How Ondoy Showed the True Nature of Filipinos

My family are one of those fortunate people who were spared by the horrors of the Tropical Storm Ondoy which hit the country last Saturday and left hundreds of people dead and thousands homeless. We reside in San Pedro, Laguna which is actually included in the list of areas which are immensely affected. However, our home is located somewhere at the topmost area of the town near GMA, Cavite so flooding is never a problem with us. Though, my father was supposed to go back to Saudi Arabia to finish his contract as a Chef but the storm prevented him to do so. It was one of the good things that came out of Ondoy--Papa decided to work here in the Philippines after 15 years of working abroad.

My family and I have been tuning in to the local news to get updates about the calamity. Our relatives in Marikina are among the victims of the great flood. They lost every material thing they possessed including this very huge house in Brgy. Banaba and a brand new car. Of course, our family including our cousins and aunts here in Laguna reached out to them to send help. Yes, this is a very trying time for the Filipinos and it feels good to see our fellow countrymen helping out. Watching the news is very depressing. I did shed some tears when I saw a mother sobbing while saying how she lost all of her kids and still missing one. I cried at the part when she told a news reporter, "Sana naman buhay pa yung isa para may matira naman sakin... Di ko na alam anung gagawin ko sa sarili ko".

I find it consoling that many famous personalities, celebrities, and politicians donated huge amount of money and relief goods to help out. I also heard about Angel Locsin, Judy Ann Santos, and Ryan Agoncillo getting people out of their roofs without letting the media to cover it. I think it's a very noble act to reach out to people without asking for anything in return. There are a lot of people helping and saving lives. I have read a lot of stories coming from victims themselves where guys who we would normally dismiss as "tambays" saved numerous people from drowning. Seeing and knowing this, I still believe that this country can move forward despite this enormous loss.

However, while watching Unang Hirit earlier this morning, I realized that together with the outpouring of sincere concern from others, there are others who spend their time finding negative motives while some are politicians are busy campaigning. Arnold Clavio, Connie Sison, and Paolo Bediones also discussed about how evacuees would cheat the queues for claiming relief goods by asking each member of the family to join the queue. Others were not able to get their goods because the greedy ones have already doubled theirs. Manny Villar was also said to have donated goods with his campaign logos on the covers. Just an hour ago, I have seen a picture of it from Ara's blog. Then there are the people who are cursing and threatening an OFW named Jacque Bermejo for allegedly posting an offensive status about Ondoy in the Philippines through Facebook and Multiply. I am not certain if she is guilty or not but I think people who are spreading her pictures all over the internet, threatening her, and creating hate pages about her are far too degrading and overacting. It's definitely a violation of her privacy. I feel sorry for the woman even if she truly posted the status herself or not. Then there are the insensitive opportunists who are robbing victims' houses and the evacuees who left too much garbage in a school without even helping out to clean up.

Apparently, extreme times like this brings out the best and worst in people.

frustrating goodbyes

Last September 21, I saw my 11-year old cousin, Joanne, sitting quietly on the sofa who seemed to be on the verge of crying. Mama, Papa, AJ, and I were about to leave to go back home to Laguna. Barbara, my other 9-year old cousin was sitting on the staircase staring at us as our family exchange hugs and kisses with my grandmother, aunts and uncles. Joanne and Barbara are AJ's playmates throughout our 2-day stay in Pangasinan. I gave Joanne a warm hug and said goodbye to Barbara. I could just feel Joanne's frustration vibrating on my body as she tried unsuccessfully to cover her sadness with a teary white-toothed smile.

When Jun and I were kids, our whole family would visit our grandparents house in Pangasinan once a year where we would spend about 2 to 4 days strolling around the town and playing with the pigs. It was always the same routine. Upon arriving, we would spend the first few hours ignoring Meljohn, Nineng, and Matong out of shyness. Then after some parental efforts, we would find ourselves enjoying each other's company playing patintero, mataya-taya, tumbang preso, and langit lupa. We also enjoyed fooling around our Tito Eloy's tricycle or Tito Mel's bicycle. I can even remember constantly picking the “S” volume of the encyclopedia to check out pictures of snakes and they would all gather around me to look (though they have seen them all their lives). We would even ask our parents to allow us to sleep together in one room so we could wrestle and scare the hell out of each other's wits. One of the most remarkable moments that I have with them was our beach trip in Bayambang. We kept fighting the huge waves and drowning each other for fun. I was already in college at that time yet I was having the time of my life playing with them on the shore like we always did when we were kids. I actually went home on my wet clothes. I had to go home with a huge towel wrapped around me because I have forgotten to bring the bag where I stuffed my clothes due to utmost excitement. I didn't think it was embarrassing. I actually thought it was fun.

The sad part would always be the time of parting. Just when we were getting all comfortable with each other, we have to say goodbye and end the short vacation. It was frustrating. Yes, I always missed our cousins back in Laguna every time we're in Pangasinan but it wasn't that hard to say goodbye because we knew we would be back in no time. I have always wished we could've had more time with our cousins in Pangasinan. This is why I could just relate to Joanne and Barbara's sadness. All the perkiness faded from them when the clock struck 1:00 am—it's time for the first trip back to Manila. Even AJ has stopped yelling and laughing. I saw the three of them bid each other goodbye but they never hugged or kissed. I wish I could just tell them it's okay and that we would be back next year, anyway. But I just knew how horrible the feeling is knowing that next year, we have to start over again. The next time we visit, we have to adjust again to fill in one year of distance and no communication.

Now, Meljohn, Nineng, Matong don't interact much with Jun and me anymore. I'm not sure if it's one of the side effects of all the abrupt Hi's and Goodbye's in a short period of time. Maybe we all realized that there's no use trying to build something because we are aware that it won't be long until we part again. Or maybe we are just simply growing up and having different lives. I hope it's the latter because I don't want to spoil everything for my sister, Barbara, and Joanne. I have seen how they enjoyed each other's company so much even for only two days. I hope they keep in touch.

first attempt to free verse

(I was waiting for Lance yesterday at Chowking Gil Puyat when I started writing a letter for him to pass the time. I was surprised and frustrated that I didn't have my pile of notepads with me so I wrote on my order receipt instead. It was a small piece of paper. After an hour I had to find another way to keep me busy so I could avoid getting impatient with him for keeping me waiting. I have always enjoyed tissue papers--for writing and wiping. Thanks to the tissue paper for keeping me company for 2 more hours of waiting.)



first attempt to free verse

Would you tell me of the moment
when your heart would stop beating for me?
Or would you just look at me
and let me find the signs?

Would you be cruel and dismiss me
if I try to kiss your lips?
Or would you kiss me still
and let me feel the dryness of it?

Would you stop writing love letters
when I send you one out of love?
Or would you respond with poetries
but hopes they're for somebody else?

Would you refuse my hand
if I ask you to dance?
Or would you sweep me off my feet
without the old and rhythmic beat?

How will I lose your heart?
Tell me all about it.
For now, everything looks perfect.
Everything seems woven to fit.

But What About Tomorrow?
How would I know
when you've finally given up
and gotten tired of me?

I'm asking all the wrong questions
'cause I have fears that you don't see.
But I know, you'll just tell me to have faith
that no matter what;
this is the Love Story God made For You and Me.

© Claudine F. Claudio

(OO NA CHEESY NA KUNG CHEESY!)

i know i did not do anything wrong but i apologized anyway

It is becoming a habit of mine to apologize for nothing. No, let me rephrase that--it is becoming a habit of mine to apologize for making a person feel bad for something I said or did which I honestly did not mean to. Apparently, I'm losing my grip with good communication. Well, actually it's just for this one person who I respect and care about so much. From the moment I started admiring her, she always makes me feel guilty for every mistake that I commit in my life. She's an inspiration and obviously an oblivious guidance to me. She taught me how to encourage myself and make myself better not for someone else but for me and for God. No, let me rephrase that again--she taught us. She's probably not even aware she is one of the factors of change in my life and in my beliefs. Or maybe she is aware--and she is already used to being considered as the best one or the greatest one. She probably got fed up with us, little kids, adoring her and telling her how inspiring and encouraging she is. She probably got so irritated having people requesting for her time and attention.

This is unfair. I am unfair. I don't even know her personally. I have little idea how her mind is set or how she really is as a friend. All I know is that she changed me and I can't think of a way to repay the kindness and understanding that she had shown me before. But I'm being unfair now because I am hurt. I was walking with Lance somewhere in Q.C. yesterday when I suddenly ask him to stop so I could sit on the grass. He knew I intend to take the time off to cry. I started crying my eyes out for a text message from her that did not seem right and real to me. She did not like the tone of my message. She did not like the tone of my message. She did not like it yet all the while I was thinking I was being too polite. I guess the message came out differently to her because every time I text her, I always make sure that I am polite and that I do not sound like an idiot. I usually read them twice or thrice before sending just to make sure I have no grammar lapses or wrong punctuation even if I'm writing in Tagalog. Can you see how desperate I am to impress this person?

I don't know what happened. I don't know what's wrong. But I have noticed her coldness even before this incident. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the favor I have asked from her. I'm not sure about anything at all. It's probably my fault. I don't know why it always ends up being my fault.

I realized something yesterday, though. I apologized a number of times because I have always believed in the fact that she could never be wrong. She's right. My friends are right. I shouldn't patronize her. She's a human being. I can't just allow her to make me feel bad about myself. I must stand up for myself because I did not do anything wrong. She did not even send me a response to tell me that my apologies are accepted. She just left me there waiting the whole night and wondering like a retard if she's still mad. But I need to go on. Lance said I shouldn't worry much. Besides, she's probably not even aware how the incident still drives me mad until this very moment.

The Tale of Three Trees Retold By Angela Elwell Hunt

Lance and I enjoy sharing stories so much and yesterday was one of those moments when we would talk non-stop about the best tales we have heard from our childhood. Here is one of his most favorite stories that his father shared with them when he and his sisters were young.

Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world."

Years passed and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said. The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!" The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure. She was coated with sawdust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty ship was made that day. Instead, the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river. Instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..."

Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him," her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful," she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the King of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.

That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

So the next time you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.

A LOCKED-UP LIFE (a 2-year old op-ed)

June 22. 2006

A LOCKED-UP LIFE

I may sound pretty weird but I have never perceived a jail in a purely negative manner. I believe freedom and restriction exist in a prison cell. Freedom from witnessing the unpleasant episodes of the outside world and restriction to live with utmost dignity and honor.

Every now and then, I would wildly fantasize of locking myself up alone with nothing but paper and pen as company. Being the dreamer that I am, I know it's really not that bad. It's a different kind of freedom for me. Freedom to create my own world through my writings. Freedom from the people who do nothing but judge you. And mostly, freedom to think. This, I have concluded imagining the individual cells they shoot in Hollywood movies. But every time the realization of belonging in a third world country hits me, I would become skeptical. Then the news last week pushed me to forget that one wild fantasy. A woman prisoner was raped in her cell by her cell mate.

I have never seen a prison up close before. But I am aware of how repulsive it has become through the years. Its bars are as rusty as our justice system in the Philippines. Power and wealth have become the major determinants of “innocent” people. Cops have grown into butlers that protects the “moneys” in the country from the impoverished people who now serve as the residents of the calabooses. We don't have to actually see a prison to help us judge it. Every news involves it. Tortured prisoners. Unhealthy environment. Prison riot. Leakage. Woman prisoners raped. Death Penalty/Abolition.

What difference is there between a tortured prisoner and a tortured businessman? A dead prisoner and a dead congressman? The performer of lethal injection and a murderer? Yes, there is difference. A piece of paper signed by “qualified people” with capitalized A-U-T-H-O-R-I-T-Y. But really, where? Because I honestly am blind to it. Though, I'm still undecided whether the abolition of death penalty would improve our judicial system. Its like being stuck in the middle of an elongating rubber band with your moral beliefs on the other side and intellect on the other.

For now, as a communication student who is obliged to care about the social and political issues in the country, I still feel useless. I have no idea if any of my actions in the future will bring change. I'm still locked up in this stage where the best thing to do is finish my studies and think of a way to get out of this big box called “Lack of Self-Confidence”. I can't do anything big for now but I wish to do one in the future. And after all those goals are finished, I'll probably go build my own cell on my future rooftop with a laptop and the vast of the sky as my company.

i have a secret

I have a secret.
I know you have one too.
But mine seems to turn my whole life around
And God, I really don't know what to do.

I have a problem.
I know you've got loads too.
But I can't seem to get over the fact
That mine is effin true.

My secret is my problem
I wish I could simply tell you.
But it's not as easy as one would think
'Cause it's nothing you'd expect me to do.

I wish I could tell my friends
Or anyone just like you
But I fear that they might just stay away
From this wretched being they once knew.

© Claudine F. Claudio

i won't be getting married soon.

Last night, I was conversing with 2 of my best buds who have been living with me in the apartment for more than a couple of months now. We were talking about our future weddings! Yikes! :-) Nothing yikeyish about it really. This past weeks have been filled with marriage and engagement conversations that made me realize how we're all not getting younger everyday. It was a fun conversation as we try to visualize the dream weddings that we have with our significant others and the inevitable bloopers that we are most likely to commit on those special days.

I just turned 22 early this year and certainly I should not be thinking about marriage yet. Lance and I still have a long way to go. We're both the eldest child in the family and among our cousins on his mother's side and my father's side respectively. We both have big dreams and these glamorous visions of excelling in our own professional careers. We are still planning to go abroad to earn more money so we could enhance the living conditions of our parents in their old age. We have planned not to settle down yet until we haven't ensured the betterment of our parents' lives—at least financially. We would not want to leave them still struggling and working hard for money. We're both the eldest, as I have mentioned, therefore, we intend to provide them everything they need (at least financially) once their beloved children start settling down to live for themselves.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I can get really boring when I try to share this kind of stuff. I usually just write about things that are triggering my emotions. However, last night's conversation left me with that same kind of paranoia that is common to surface when I am worried and afraid about something. I have been working for more than a year now and I haven't saved anything yet for myself (or for my parents). The only contribution that I have given my parents is a bi-monthly payment for my youngest sister's tuition fee. I also inconsistently give them some grands every month if I have an extra. Not that they are demanding for it. Of course not. I know it's really not my obligation to send money every month but I always feel guilty if I don't. The worst part of it is that I decided to live separately so I could lift some burden at home (I eat nonstop and consume too much electricity watching cable TV and surfing the net) but it seem to me that I have just burdened them more by borrowing money this week for my electric bill at the apartment.

The thing is I can't discipline myself when it comes to my luxuries which is eating and watching films. Right now fishkeeping has added much more to my financial worries (I can't seem to grow up and realize that fishes die and they're meant to when their keeper is a dimwitted brat). So, how can I provide them the betterment that they deserve if I can't even handle my own silly fetishes in life?

You know what, maybe I shouldn't get married. Or I should just get married and get all my dreams over and ABSOLUTELY NOT done with.

Or better, I should stop getting carried away with Mads and Sab's serious conversation about marriage and get myself some real good life. Besides no one's proposing anyway. Such a retard.

something i hate about friendster bulletin boards

I have read this post from one of my friends on Friendster. Honestly, when I was on my early to mid teen years, I did think these things are kind of sweet for guys to do. I mean, I have seen so many teen flicks in high school school so I can't blame myself for having been a patron of the stereotypical Hollywood-based teenage romance!

Do not mistake me for hating the teenybopper scene. Hate is not the word. I guess I just grew tired of it as I started to learn the real deal about relationships. Relationship is not always about the romantic and sweet stuffs that you can do for your partner; because if it is, then it is a mere illusion that would fade away in a limited span of time.

Here's the bulletin board entry on Friendster that got me into thinking that the people who believe in such stuffs are focused merely on the superficial. Not to mention, I think this post is chauvinistic.

a real bf
Read this till the end... <--this is the post title
>When a girl walks away from you - [Follow her]
(is this for real? Some girls do need time on their own especially when they're angry. O baka naman pakipot lang sila at nagpapahabol talaga?)

> When she stares at your lips - [Kiss her]
(oh c'mon! Assuming ka naman! Pano kung nadaanan lang ng mata nya yung labi? o kaya nadidistract lang sya dahil may sumabit na tinga sa lips mo?)

> When she pushes you or hits you - [Grab her and don’t let go]
(now this is stupid. If she keeps on doing this, aba maalarma ka na! Mamaya sadista pala yan!)

> When she starts cursing at you - [Kiss her and tell her you love her]
(really now? maraming babae ngayon ang palengkera at parang bawat statement kelangan may mura.)

> When she's quiet - [Ask her what’s wrong]
(baka natutulog sya? minsan di ok na laging may nakabuntot)

> When she ignores you - [Give her your attention]
(well, minsan pamiss talaga ang mga babae)

> When she pulls away - [Pull her back]
(ay ang taray! Pelikula ito?)

> When you see her at her worst - [Tell her she's beautiful]
(hahaha! it's ok to be honest.)

> When you see her start crying - [Just hold her and don’t say a word]
(hmm.. pwede na..)

> When you see her walking - [Sneak up and hug her waist from behind]
(langya, naglalakad lang, yayakapin na?!)


> When she's scared - [Protect her]
(from what? panu kung natakot lang sa horror film? OA ka ha.)

> When she lays her head on your shoulder - [Tilt her head up and kiss her]
(pelikula talaga ito!)

> When she steals your favorite hat - [Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
(eh kung hindi lang hat mo ang nakawin? Pati brief mo, toothbrush, ballpen, plato, sabon, shampoo, unan, bahay, lupa?)

> When she teases you - [Tease her back and make her laugh]
(o sige na nga..)

> When she doesn’t answer for a long time - [reassure her that everything is okay]
(panu nga kung nakatulog na?)


> When she looks at you with doubt - [Back yourself up with the TRUTH]
(ay may ganon?)

> When she say's that she likes you - [she really does more than you could understand]
(weh?)

> When she grabs at your hands - [Hold hers and play with her fingers]
(then twist her fingers back and forth)

> When she bumps into you - [bump into her back and make her laugh]
(eh pano kung di tumawa? edi nag-away pa kayo kakaharot nyo?)

> When she tells you a secret - [keep it safe and untold]
(duh!)

> When she looks at you in your eyes - [don’t look away until she does]
(titigan?)

> WHEN SHE MISSES YOU - [SHES HURTING INSIDE]
(utut. sometimes missing someone so much is a good feeling naman)

> When you break her heart - [the pain NEVER really goes away]
(of course it does! it just doesn't go away at once)

> When she says its over - [she STILL wants you to be hers]
(ahaha assuming talaga!)

> When she re-post this bulletin - [she wants you to read it]
(ay syempre)

> Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
(nakalimutan na talagang natutulog ang tao)

> DON'T let her have the last word
(what word?)

> Say you love her more than she could ever love you
(ayy..)

> Argue that she is the best girl ever
(aba dapat lang!)

> When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
(ay kawawa to makukurot to ng wala sa oras.. tigas ng ulo)

> When she says she's ok, don’t believe it, talk to her
(haha praning ka? ok nga lang sya eh)

> When she says she's sorry, she truly means it
(minsan. minsan wala lang sya masabi)

> Because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
(ano?)

> Stay up all night with her when she's sick
(then get sick yourself)

> Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid
(then tell her it's stupid)

> Give her the world
(dream on!)


> Let her wear your clothes
(make sure wala kang putok)

> When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
(and absent yourself from work so you could spoil this little brat)

> Kiss her in the pouring rain
(habang nagliliparan ang mga bubong)

> When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
(at mag-eenglish ka talaga?)


> If you do post this in the next four minutes/hours/days the one you love will:
> Love you
(ay takot ko lang!)

I'm a Failure in Caretaking (I'm sorry)

I recently lost one of my Red Cap Oranda I named PeeNay. My brother woke me up and broke the news last Sunday morning. She only lasted 4 days in my care. Such an incident should not have bothered me a great deal but that day has been one of the gloomiest day I have ever encountered. It surprised me that I felt so emotional about the news. I mean, how can I possible get so heartbroken about the death of a 4 day old fish which I cannot even cuddle and touch? I'm really not a pet or an animal lover. I haven't got a pet of my own for about 17 years. The last pet I have had (with my brother) was a white rat which lasted for a night after getting ambushed in his little cage by a stray cat. We were never allowed to have any animals at home so out of desperation my brother and I would end up imprisoning black ants and huge flies on table glasses.

When I grew up and started earning money, I have thought about saving up for a healthy retriever or chow chow out of a pet shop but I never really got into doing it due to my mother refusing to have any furry animals inside the house. I would not want to put the dog outside or in a cage for that would seem like an “askal” treatment. So, on Lance and I's celebration of our 37th month as romantic partners and best friends, I was attacked again by my recurring self-proclaimed mental disorder called “irresistible impulsiveness” when we started checking out pets in Bioresearch at Park Square Makati. I have only around P400 left on my pouch so when the fishes caught my eye I was hypnotized to take one home. I ordered a small fish tank, a kilo of little rocks, fish pellets, a small bundle of live plant and an air pump. I decided on taking home a Red Cap Oranda goldfish because I became smitten with its seemingly red lump (wen) on its forehead. Payment was a disaster because the store was already closed when I finally decided on what to buy for my fish. When the cashier gave me a voucher for P570, I panicked. I pulled out every penny that I have from my pouch and disorganized bag but I only came up with P400 plus something. Lance had to shell out his last P70-bus fare so we could reach the P570 amount needed but still we were around P30 short. The cashier and sales assistant had to help us out in cutting out other less necessary accessories from my order. The negotiation ended with me leaving the store only with a Red Cap Oranda, an air pump, a kilo of rocks and a sachet of tetrafin pellets. I immediately named my oranda, PeeNoy. Nothing really special. It was the first word that went out of my mouth when Lance asked me its name so we decided that it's a boy which was kinda stupid. The next day, I withdrew all of my savings to buy my PeeNoy company in his small fish tank and put some water plants for natural oxygen. It was PeeNay's day the next day. It was fun having both of them around as they would not stop circling the fish tank trying to chase and elude each other. Every morning before I leave the apartment for work, I would feed them and tell them I would be back in no time. I read and researched articles online about Red Cap Orandas so I could provide them more care and maintain their health. Every night before I shut the lights off, I would take a peek and bid them good night. I even asked them both to stay with me for a long time. I was working at home last week so I really enjoyed having them around chasing each other and distracting me from my long moments of deadpan state. It was last Saturday when I started noticing both of them resting side by side looking outside—looking less healthy each time.

When Jun (my younger brother) described to me the details of PeeNay's death, I can't help but feel guilty that I was not home when she passed away. He told me how he came to the apartment seeing PeeNay staying still on a particular area. She was not moving around but she was still alive then. Jun tried to feed her but she never came up to the surface to eat so PeeNoy took all the pellets. It was after 15 minutes approximately when Jun checked on her again and she was already floating on the surface upside down. He scooped her with a spoon and tried to revive her in a glass of water to see if she can still make it but she was already dead. I asked Jun if he had already disposed the garbage bag where he put PeeNay away and he said yes. I was actually disheartened to know that I could not see her one last time to say goodbye. Sunday was so gloomy that I decided to leave Laguna as soon as possible to check on PeeNoy. I was not supposed to go to our Makati apartment until Monday morning but knowing that PeeNoy was alone and could be floating dead on his tank was something I could not bear to think while in our home in Laguna. That Sunday night, my mother, Jun, my 10-year old sister, A.J., my aunt Tita Lily and my cousin Joy accompanied me to the apartment to get Jun's things as he was moving back home due to financial difficulties. PeeNoy was still moving around but this time less enthusiastic. I'm not sure if this has something to do with him losing his tank mate. They said goldfishes really have short term memory loss so it is unlikely that he even remembers having PeeNay around.

These past days PeeNoy's health have extremely worsened. He is not moving around the tank anymore. He stays on one spot which seems to me like he is simply waiting for his death to come. Once in a while I would check on him to see if he's still alive. He has a couple of white spots on his wen and his once glamorous fins have lost its silkiness. I tried researching online for solutions and advices on how I can treat PeeNoy's health predicament at this moment but I could not completely understand what medications do I really need to buy for him. I'm planning to stop by a pet shop to get some accurate medications but I realized that I'm not even sure if PeeNoy would still be there when I come home. He could be dead by now and I feel so panicky that I am not home. He could be floating on his tank now and no one's available to scoop him out. I could imagine him now on the surface all alone with the air pump still buzzing and producing continuous bubbles for his oxygen need. He would not need it anymore. He might even be floating on the bubbles and bumping on the tube and nobody is even there to get him out of his undignified position.

Oh God, how could such little fishes make me feel so miserable? I was planning on buying them a larger tank after a couple of months so they could have more space. I wanted to buy a small water filter to maintain their water's quality. I should have researched all of these before I bought them. They would probably still be chasing each other right at this moment while I am not distracted here at work not writing this emotional blog entry. Lance's joke is still crystal clear in my head right now:

“Malas naman ni PeeNoy, Maymie.”
“Bakit?”
“Binili mo kasi sya eh.” Then he laughed softly.

When he said that, I wanted so bad to prove to him he could be wrong—that I could take care of my fish. I realized how irresponsible I was when I allowed my irritable impulsiveness to take over that night. PeeNoy and PeeNoy would probably still be in their big well-equipped aquarium in Bioresearch—healthy and alive. I don't know why PeeNay's death and PeeNoy's failing health are affecting me so much emotionally. I guess aside from the fact that I became so indulged in taking care of them these past days, I failed to prove myself capable of taking responsibility effectively. I didn't only fail PeeNoy and PeeNay, I also failed myself. My inability to take care of them really good reflects my attitude in facing responsibilities. It is an eye-opening experience for me. Responsibilities are not all about loving or simply following rules. It's about being financially, emotionally ready and well-informed about the possible consequences and angles of one responsibility.

I'm going out on a one-hour lunch after I publish this entry. I will run off to the apartment to check on PeeNoy. He could be dead or he could still be stationary on the spot where I left him earlier this day. Last night, in the presence of my friend Mads, I told PeeNoy I'm sorry and I swear I heard my voice crack. I wanted to cry then if only I wasn't afraid Mads would laugh at my shallowness. I know she would understand but still I've got too much ego to cry over a couple of forgetful goldfishes.

I'm not sure what I want to see once I open the door in my apartment. The fish tank is located on top of my personal fridge and it is placed in full view once you enter the place. It would hurt to see it lifeless and it would hurt to see it still motionless but still trying to live. PeeNoy could have died earlier than PeeNay as I took him first to his demise when I decided to buy him last week. But he stayed 3 more days after PeeNay's death. He's trying to survive--and there's nothing I can do but try so hard to keep my emotions in control--while pushing back tears that other people might think unworthy to shed for a couple of little Red Cap Orandas...

Oh God, I'm so sorry.

when the clock strikes crazy

have you ever done something overwhelmingly insane that you made a pact with yourself never to do it again? or at least not tell anyone you've done it... again and again.

i did... several times after i promised myself and some people who knows and cares for me never to do it again. it was 3 o'clock in the morning, i was waiting for the clock to strike 4 so i can prepare for work when the seductive thought of it came embracing my body so rigorously. it's like an old flame i left a long time ago without the capability to move on. honestly, i missed the sense of reality that it gives me but the extreme feeling of guilt just came pouring down like raging waters on a silent stream. it seems like a trance i am so afraid and at the same time excited to go through.

that day, i went to work with a broken smile on my face. nobody noticed. nobody saw the leftovers of the emotional ordeal i was going through. but before the day end and the clock strikes like crazy, i confessed the act to that one person who i knew would be angriest among them all. he was mad. like hell.

i promised never to do it again. my God, help me remember these promises.

You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds & Regina Spektor

I heard this song earlier on Miss Jeanie Derillo's friendster profile. It automatically plays on once you visit her page and the first couple of beats already had me scrolling down to see the title of the song on her playlist. It is like a song hollowed out from the 90s. I also like the harmony between the two artists (Ben Folds & Regina Spektor). Take time to listen to the song along with the lyrics. I guess I'll be experiencing the last song syndrome for a couple of days or weeks.




You Don't Know Me Lyrics

I wanna ask you
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me anything)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

lyrics from 6lyrics.com

an argument about a rotten reality...

I initiated an argument with Lance last week. It revolved around my accusation of him being "unpressured" because he is still currently reviewing for the board exams. I insisted that he is unable to understand my frustrations and worries because he is not compelled yet to find a job. He appeared very positive and patient with everything despite the numerous rotten possibilities that he could fail the board exams and his father could retire anytime soon. Writing that sentence just made me realize how foolish and envious my accusations are. I could not have been clearer in emphasizing the fact that I am working and he is not. So when he retorted that I could not just see and imagine the pressure that his course (Mechanical Engineering) and upcoming board exams have on him, I bombarded him with my thoughtless claims that "school pressure" and "work pressure plus the discovery of the real rotten world" are two different things. He told me that I know nothing of his current academic ordeals and worries about his future to which I responded that I am more than willing to have our situations switched and go to school than to face this dreary place they call reality.

The heated argument gradually turned melancholic when we finally realized how we are both displeased and frustrated in different ways. I succumbed to the poignant truth that facing reality without teachers and a second home is far more difficult than I have imagined. I have always been the adventurous type of person who loves to encounter challenges and experience unfamiliar things; however, this past months have revealed far too many unfamiliar yet disturbing realities about the world and its people. I discovered how all these years I have viewed the world with naiveté by constantly believing that there is a certain goodness in everyone's heart. Nonetheless, the new encounters and meetings with strangers proved how selfishness and conceit can topple that goodness aside. I told Lance how the world looks much different on this side than on his and wondered if he would catch a glimpse of this place in my type of point of view. Sometimes I doubt it though I am quite sure he would. He has always been the stronger and optimistic one--a dramatic foil to my character. His judgments has always been more accurate than mine. I guess he already had an image of this place before I had the chance to encounter it. He is always like that anyway--knowing things and keeping it hidden until time demands its revelation.

Of course, we made up after an hour of arguing. We have always enjoyed arguments, though. Arguing gives us the chance to speak what's on our mind without being overly sensitive with each other's feelings. I guess that is why we always end up fighting especially when the subject is related to religion and Jude Law. Nevertheless, our argument about reality is one of the most remarkable ones because we end up agreeing (which seldom happens) and sympathetic with each other.

Pinoy Vocabulary - Forwarded Email

Hahaha di talaga ko nagppost ng emails kaso badtrip tong post na to. Sobrang tahimik akong natawa dito sa office. Naalala ko tuloy ang laughing trip namin ni Randolf at Sabrina sa Call Center Fundamentals class namin! Hahahahaha!

Pinoy Vocabulary

KUNTIL - sobrang balat sa tenga
SMAKATUM - dumi sa tenga
SPRIKITIK - libag na naipon sa relo
KUYUKOT - tumbong
ASOGUE - buhok sa kili-kili
JABONGGA - sex
MULMUL - buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal
BAKTOL - ikatlong lebel ng mabahong amoy sa kili-kili
BARNAKOL - maitim na libag sa batok na naipon ng matagal na panahon
KABOODLE - kulangot
TUKNENENG - boiled quail eggs and fried with orange flour
KWEK KWEK - bigger version ng tukneneng
WENEKLEK - buhok sa utong
KALAMANTUTAY - mabahong pangalan
TONENG - sex
BAKTUNG - bakat utong
BAKTI - bakat panty
NGOTNGOT - spiral cord sa phone
PAKAPLOG - pinoy breakfast: pandesal, kape, itlog
TARUGO - maitim na ari
APIPAK - 2-4 na buhok na matatagpuan sa ibabaw ng hinlalaking
daliri sa paa
BUTUYTUY - pagkalalaki ng isang bata
TANGBURUROT - pururot na tae
PASAS - utong ng lola
KUKURIKAPU - libag sa ilalim ng boobs
URMOT - matubig na tae
TRIPOKTIK - huling droplets ng ihi
PUYUKOT - maliliit / mabibilog na piraso ng tae
TUBOL - malalaking piraso ng tae
BURNIK - taeng sumabit sa buhok ng pwet
BURIS - matubig na tae / parang gripo ang pwet
BULTOKATSI - tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalaglag ang isang
malaking ebak

Lyrics Gone bad - Forwarded Email

This e-mail sort of reminds me of the first blog entries of Ara in her blogspot account. :D

Lyrics gone bad

The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston -
I decided long ago, never to walk in edu manzano...
(I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow)

Cry by Mandy Moore -
A walk to remember... it was late afternoon!
(I'll always remember, it was late afternoon)

All My Life by K-ci and Jojo -
supposed to be you're like my mother,supposed to be you're like my sister
(close to me you're like my mother... close to me you're like my sister)

Where is the Love -
People killing, people flying, children hurt an living, crying...
(People killing, people dying; children hurt and you hear them crying)

Leaving on a jet plane -
so kiss me and SMAFFLE me...
(so kiss me and smile for me...)

Usher & Alicia's My Boo -
It started when we were younger you were NINE...
(It started when we were younger you were mine)

Usher & Alicia's My Boo (again!) -
...and you were my BEYBLADE...
it started when were younger you were FINE...
(and you were my baby...)

If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys -
some people want TAMBOURINES..
(diamond rings)

Britney's Baby One More Time -
My ONLY NEST is killing me... and I........
(My loneliness....)

Thumbthumping (Chumbawumba) -
I get knocked down by an elephant, my mommas's gonna bring me down...
(I get knocked down, but I get up again and no one's gonna bring me down)

Crush by Jennifer Paige -
i-splash, a little crush..
(it's just.. a little crush..)

Red Hot's Californication -
Viva Californication....
(Dream of Californication...)

No scrubs, TLC -
A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fine but is also known as a BUS STOP
(buster)

Waterfalls by TLC:
Don't go JASON waterfalls...
(Chasin')

John Mayer -You're ALICE IN WONDERLAND..
You're ALICE IN WONDERLAND I'll use my hands
(Body is a wonderland)

Baa Baa Black Sheep:
Baa baa black sheep, heavy on the road...

With A Smile by Eraserheads:
lift ur HAND.. baby dont be scared.. of the things that could go wrong along the way..
(HEAD!!!)

Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin by Kitchie Nadal:
maaaaaaaaaag... , magdamag mong sasabihin...
(waaaaaaaaaag..., wag na wag mong sasabihin...)

Two-Trick Pony by Sandwich -
i have been waiting for you all night under the glow of INSECENT LIGHT
(...under the glow of YOUR SATELLITE)

On Bended Knees by Boyz II Men:
Oh God give me the reason, I'M DOWN... ABANDON ME...
(I'm down on bended knee)

Red Hot's Zephyr Song:
Fly away on my CELLPHONE...I feel it more than ever
(Fly away on my zephyr, I feel it more than ever)

AND FINALLY....

Soul of Christ... sat beside me...
(sanctify me! )

i second the motion that the government needs a major overhaul -- literally.

I do not write much about Philippine politics because I am afraid that its repulsiveness is way too contagious. However, I have read another good friend's blog about how she thinks the government needs a "complete makeover". She thinks it is the solution for the never-ending government corruption problem. I could not agree more and I meant the "makeover" literally.

I have not turned on our television for quite some time. Well, actually I did but together with the dvd player for movie purposes. Then, last night I have seen a footage of Jun Lozada being brought back to the custody of the Senate. It is quite enraging to see news about government corruption. These kinds of news are becoming too much of a cliché that they even bore my idiot box to death by producing buzzing "zzz..." sounds. I am not a fan of Lozada. I think, he, too is a beneficiary of the administration's public theft activities. My friend, Sab, says that one of the reasons why he probably turned against the government is because he was not getting "supplies" anymore. Well, it is most likely; however, despite this probable fact, he is still fighting for something (regardless if it is mere vengeance for not getting more). I do not support him but I support his cause to stop and publicly disclose the government's wrongdoings. He is part of the many similarly corrupt members of the opposition such as Panfilo Lacson, Mar Roxas and Jamby Madrigal who are also determined to ruin the government's reputation. However, these people, together with Malacanang do not differ at all which is why I am also against their campaign to replace the administration. I just think Malacanang should be stopped but I do not agree that they be replaced with these people. Not at all. It would be just be like a dejavu of Ferdinand Marcos being replaced by gentler liars and thieves.

I have even heard of Manny Pacquiao running for Congress next year and it just further triggered my distaste of him. I guess he thinks that he can solve the country's problem with his boxing skills and millions of money. 'Reminds me of Joseph Estrada who ran the government with his acting skills and treachery. They consider politics like a "retirement area" where they can get loads of retirement fees by simply thinking stupid. Haha what do you expect from these kinds of people anyway. The best thing in the Pacquiao issue is that the Church believes he is better off as a Mayor because he needs more legal knowledge. What the! Does that mean a mayoral post requires lesser legal knowledge? My apologies but I am sensing hypocrisies all around me and I am getting really sickened by it.

Okay, I think I got carried away there. Nonetheless, the major overhaul should start in every district no matter how big or small. From councilors to presidents, everyone should be banished of their positions. This country has grown tired of electing the same kind of officials who aims to serve the country in the condition that they get more beyond their basic salaries. This country needs a break from selfishness. Everyone has become too selfish for their own good. I do not have a detailed description of how I think this country should be run and I believe that is the problem. Nobody has a concrete plan for this country without the consideration of their own financial stability. Everybody seems to have a plan that includes their own lifetime payslips.

I do not have a better plan and it is disheartening to realize that the country needs change but no specific alternative seems to be better. Nonetheless, I believe this country needs more than just leaders--it needs better citizens and I think they should all be educated.

the unfulfilled writing career.

I have not been writing for a long time now. Funny, 'cause I work as a researcher/writer here in Makati Ave yet I have never really felt like a writer at all. I got motivated to blog about this frustration while I was listening to some OPM (Original Pinoy Music) songs last night until 2 in the morning. Then, this afternoon I have read a good friend's blog [Gusto kong magsulat] about how he missed writing so it just triggered the frustration further.

I do not hate my job. However, these past few weeks I am starting not to like it either. I guess the pressure and stress that the work delivers are making it hard for me to appreciate its once promising purposes in my career. I do not know if its because I am growing tired of doing the works or the system. All I know is I am growing tired and restless.

detachment.

These past few days, I have been consistent in including the word "detachment" in my daily thoughts. The seductive idea of being isolated in some place where human murmurs are considered taboo and out of place has been lingering in the darkest points of my thinking process. I am not afraid of people. I am tired of them. Do not mistake me for a loner. That would be much too understated. I love people--certain kinds of people, I guess. I remember in high school, I would always dream about a specific island that I wish to buy. I intend to build a new civilization in that place. A new breed of people if I might say so. A professor in college is right. She is always right anyway. Those students who raised their hands when asked if they dream to have a book included in bookstores' best-selling lists have a "Single World Domination Syndrome". You are absolutely right. I could have raised all my limbs if I am not conscious.

I do not hate people--no, of course not. However, I have this irresistible urge to murder loads of them. I am actually feeling "Hitler-like" which is absolutely evil of me. I do not particularly hate a human being right now. I cannot explain further why I am feeling murderous. It is not for you to understand anyway. Probably my villainous thoughts can be converted to the layman's term "obsession to make a change". I wish to do a lot of things to contribute something in the society but everytime I think about it, the pessimism saves me from doing anything at all. Stupid, right? You do not have to answer that, of course.

You know what, I think I will go write a draft of this world that I wish to live in or most probably a story of how dystopic I believe the future earth will be. Hah! Very Orwell! --and Huxley-ic of course.

never really thought i was such a hopeless romantic.

I came across this draft while I was sorting out my blogs last week. I had forgotten to finish it 2 years ago and I don't really know why. This was written last August 25, 2006 (as indicated in the draft) when the "maymie relationship" was just 2 months old. Haha! It was a fun read (for me, of course).

Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows?
Only time.
And who can say if your love grows as your heart chose?
Only time.
Who can say why your heart sighs as your love flies?
Only time.
And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies?
Only time.
Who can say when the roads meet?
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps if the night keeps all your heart?

-Enya "Only Time" lyrics

Last night, I, at last, took the guts to introduce Lance to my father. I actually looked all composed and relaxed when we entered the prayer meeting ground. But deep inside I could feel my insides shaking in anxiety. I could see the surprise on my parents', my little sister's and my aunts’ faces as they watched me, with Lance on my side, walking towards the entrance of the church parking area. They have all met Lance before and they've been asking me incessantly when I would be introducing Lance to Papa. I kept telling them, “Ewan ko po…Kakatakot eh.” I sort of feared what Papa’s reaction would be once he finally meets Lance. Not that I didn’t care about my mother’s, my aunts’ and cousins’ reaction. I deeply did. But my point is, Papa have always been very transparent that he doesn’t approve of me having a boyfriend yet. He usually expresses it in his morbid jokes but I know he meant them. And he’s a man. They tend to become possessive and over-protective. So I was sort of hesitant to let him meet Lance but I never withheld our relationship to him. I’ve been very honest to my parents about Lance. It might not seem like a big deal to some couples but I’ve been fretting about these kinds of issues for quite some time. For me it’s different, and some people may agree with me that it’s hardest to introduce a boyfriend to a father. Especially for a daughter who yearns so much for a father’s approval. So last night may look just like any ordinary prayer meeting night. But it wasn’t. It was one of the most significant nights of my life. The moment we approached the seats, I felt like dragging Lance out of the parking lot so I could breathe in some air. I was so nervous but of course I never looked it. For years, I’ve been trying real hard to avoid emotional manifestations on my countenance. We approached them with their back on us so Papa had to turn around while I said the 3 overly practiced words; Papa, si Lance…
The preacher was already starting his lecture but my mother, my sister and my aunts were looking at that wonderful moment when Papa smiled at Lance and took the initiative to shake his hand. Some minutes later, my younger brother arrived and all together in that parking area, we listened to God’s Word. I don’t believe in coincidences but the preacher talked about Love…

I wrote what happened last night because this brought me to the realization of how seriously in love I am with Lance. The fact that he’s the first guy I ever introduced to my family and relatives is one thing. And the warm reception my family has given him is a big bonus. To be honest I can’t hollow out any practical reason why I love him so much. I don’t want to sound mushy or anything. I’m not the kind of person who expresses my feelings openly to someone. But in this blog, I’d like to describe the intense feeling God has blessed me to experience.

I’m not going to say that he is the first guy ever to make me feel this way. That’s way too dramatic and corny. And he isn’t anyway so what’s the point in saying? Well, the point is, he may not be the first guy I’ve fallen in love with but he’s the first guy who ever made me feel so content and happy with my life. It’s like everything that occurred in the past, even the most painful ones, seemed happened so the path of my life would lead to his and vice versa. Though, he isn’t the type of guy I would consider as my ideal, I know he is the guy who would always try.

I know we’re both too young to have this relationship. Sometimes I doubt whether I did the right thing when I allowed him to become my boyfriend. I have decided a long time ago that as long as I am still in school, studies would always come first. I have very big dreams that there are times when I consider myself as quite ambitious. And I thought a boyfriend was just a hindrance for me to achieve the life I had forever imagined. I believed that to reach your dreams, you need to have focus. And having a boyfriend while you’re studying would lead you out of it. But with Lance, everything started to have exceptions. I realized that the conceptions I had before depends on the kind of relationship and love that a person had. When I came to know Lance, I discovered disturbing incidents from his past. Incidents that go against my standards for a potential boyfriend and almost led our relationship to a break up. I can’t risk school by worrying too much about him so I decided to end it. Then he promised me he would change. I said okay and I would wait for that time when he could already prove to me that he has changed. Then what he said afterward gave me time to contemplate that I probably have selfish motives. He said that people say when you truly love a person; you will accept him no matter who he is. I say no. You can’t just accept everything especially when you know what the person is doing isn’t right anymore. I believe if you TRULY LOVE somebody… you try to change his/her wrong ways if you can. And if he/she TRULY LOVES you, he/she will strive to become a better person for you.

For now, everything is going smoothly within our relationship. I can see how he is trying so hard to change his faulty ways to prove his love for me. The thing is, I'm afraid that all these perceptions are nothing but a pigment of my hopeful imagination. Or maybe I'm just being plain and childishly idealistic.

Well, it turns out I was a hopeless creature with some grammar lapses and crazy faces but not necessarily childishly idealistic.