In my melancholic state...

This day has been a very sad day for me. (Yes, I can hear some people saying ‘C’mon, you’re always sad, Claudine!). Last Wednesday, somebody stole 2 of my most favorite books in the world titled “Memoirs of a Geisha” and “Joyluck Club”. It made me really depressed I can hardly talk to anyone at all. Of all things that can be stolen from me, books are the ones that mostly trigger the indignation in me. On my 2-hour trip back to Laguna, I slept all the way hoping that as soon as I wake up the sadness would be gone. But it did not. Then yesterday, I was still feeling gloomy every time I passed by the comfort room where I have forgotten my plastic bag filled with 4 books or every time I enter the media center. I thought it was normal since those 2 books really mean so much to me. I woke up this morning expecting to be back to my old self again. I thought I was because I’ve been trying to look for the bright side again thinking “at least other people could read the magnificence of Golden and Tan’s novels”. But in the media center, the sullen air went over me again. Surprisingly, I wasn’t thinking of the books anymore. By the end of my Film Appreciation class, my classmate remarked, “Claudine, bakit malungkot ka? Ang sad sad ng face mo…” In my mild horror, my favorite professor asked, “Sino?” “Si Claudine po…”

I tried to walk towards the exit with my back on them then I heard my professor’s comment which really broke my heart. “Si Claudine, eh lagi naman malungkot yan eh! Gagawan ko na nga yan ng drama (unfortunately I was unable to make out the words). I was at the door when I heard my professor’s comment so I looked back at her and tried as hard as I could to give out a wide smile as if saying “that’s not true!” when deep inside I long to go back to her and say, “Ma’am, I need help.”

I spent this day trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I’ve been experiencing alternating mild depressions over small things these past few months. This isn’t me. I know this isn’t me. When I was in Computer Engineering I was never this serious and silent. I’m supposed to be enjoying Mass Communication. And I am! I honestly am! I’ve been dreaming to be here for years! But my emotions are failing what I’m supposed to be feeling. I can’t explain it. I’m thinking maybe it’s because back in Computer Engineering, I was never serious with my studies. I was all after the fun and not the goal to excel. I was usually the loudest in the group or even inside the class. So I was the happy-go-lucky type. But here in Mass Comm. I’m very much concerned with how I’m going to excel in this field. With how I’m going to build a name for myself that will gain the respect of others. In my former course, I don’t need any respectable name in terms of academic achievement ‘coz I was lost in that course. I didn’t care even if nobody took me seriously as a Computer Engineering student ‘coz I, myself, wasn’t serious about being one. What’s puzzling me is that I’m more comfortable with my friends in Engineering more than in Mass Communication. Of course, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy my Mass Comm. friends’ company but I only have few Mass Comm. friends whom I can show the real me. Then I realized that’s because Engineering and Mass Comm. students are two different groups of people. I was also unable to start fresh and build another group of friends because when I shifted to Mass Comm. everybody seemed to belong to one. So most of the time, I still hang out with my engineering friends wherein I don’t need to prove myself.

Still, I wonder why I feel sad and look sad to people. I think my facial expression is one major factor. Many people had told me I should smile more. Honestly, I’m trying real hard. Maybe I’m being hard on myself. I keep thinking about a lot of things that’s why I’ve been smiling less. Sometimes I feel confused with myself. I’m like two different people with my close friends and not-so close friends. I’m all smiles and jokes with my close friends while I’m not-so funny with my not-so close friends.

One other thing that I blame for my apparent depressions these past months is my desperation to write. I haven’t written or finished a story for the past 4 months. Everyone close to me knows how I dream to become a writer. And these past months I’ve been losing the will, the motivation and lastly, the confidence to write the stories I long to see in print. I’m having this ultimate fear that one day I will lose my intense passion for writing. Every time I read my articles written in hand, they don’t seem right to me. They seem too amateurish. My words, too shallow. Too wrong. I’m not the same confident writer I once was. And THIS is what’s bothering me everyday. It even came to a time when I felt resentment towards my purple journal and black leather notebook every time I see them. All because I CAN’T WRITE. I’m really afraid. Really really afraid.

I remember how my friends in engineering accuse me of having MPD. I don’t have one, of course. But I believe we all have other personalities within ourselves. I pray that someday other people can see the real me. I pray that someday I could smile more. I pray that someday I could control my emotions more effectively. I pray that someday I could bring back my trust to my own skills so I could start writing again. But for now, all I can do is pray ‘coz at exactly this moment, just as I am finishing this article, I’m feeling sad again.

/ingenue07