frustrating goodbyes

Last September 21, I saw my 11-year old cousin, Joanne, sitting quietly on the sofa who seemed to be on the verge of crying. Mama, Papa, AJ, and I were about to leave to go back home to Laguna. Barbara, my other 9-year old cousin was sitting on the staircase staring at us as our family exchange hugs and kisses with my grandmother, aunts and uncles. Joanne and Barbara are AJ's playmates throughout our 2-day stay in Pangasinan. I gave Joanne a warm hug and said goodbye to Barbara. I could just feel Joanne's frustration vibrating on my body as she tried unsuccessfully to cover her sadness with a teary white-toothed smile.

When Jun and I were kids, our whole family would visit our grandparents house in Pangasinan once a year where we would spend about 2 to 4 days strolling around the town and playing with the pigs. It was always the same routine. Upon arriving, we would spend the first few hours ignoring Meljohn, Nineng, and Matong out of shyness. Then after some parental efforts, we would find ourselves enjoying each other's company playing patintero, mataya-taya, tumbang preso, and langit lupa. We also enjoyed fooling around our Tito Eloy's tricycle or Tito Mel's bicycle. I can even remember constantly picking the “S” volume of the encyclopedia to check out pictures of snakes and they would all gather around me to look (though they have seen them all their lives). We would even ask our parents to allow us to sleep together in one room so we could wrestle and scare the hell out of each other's wits. One of the most remarkable moments that I have with them was our beach trip in Bayambang. We kept fighting the huge waves and drowning each other for fun. I was already in college at that time yet I was having the time of my life playing with them on the shore like we always did when we were kids. I actually went home on my wet clothes. I had to go home with a huge towel wrapped around me because I have forgotten to bring the bag where I stuffed my clothes due to utmost excitement. I didn't think it was embarrassing. I actually thought it was fun.

The sad part would always be the time of parting. Just when we were getting all comfortable with each other, we have to say goodbye and end the short vacation. It was frustrating. Yes, I always missed our cousins back in Laguna every time we're in Pangasinan but it wasn't that hard to say goodbye because we knew we would be back in no time. I have always wished we could've had more time with our cousins in Pangasinan. This is why I could just relate to Joanne and Barbara's sadness. All the perkiness faded from them when the clock struck 1:00 am—it's time for the first trip back to Manila. Even AJ has stopped yelling and laughing. I saw the three of them bid each other goodbye but they never hugged or kissed. I wish I could just tell them it's okay and that we would be back next year, anyway. But I just knew how horrible the feeling is knowing that next year, we have to start over again. The next time we visit, we have to adjust again to fill in one year of distance and no communication.

Now, Meljohn, Nineng, Matong don't interact much with Jun and me anymore. I'm not sure if it's one of the side effects of all the abrupt Hi's and Goodbye's in a short period of time. Maybe we all realized that there's no use trying to build something because we are aware that it won't be long until we part again. Or maybe we are just simply growing up and having different lives. I hope it's the latter because I don't want to spoil everything for my sister, Barbara, and Joanne. I have seen how they enjoyed each other's company so much even for only two days. I hope they keep in touch.

first attempt to free verse

(I was waiting for Lance yesterday at Chowking Gil Puyat when I started writing a letter for him to pass the time. I was surprised and frustrated that I didn't have my pile of notepads with me so I wrote on my order receipt instead. It was a small piece of paper. After an hour I had to find another way to keep me busy so I could avoid getting impatient with him for keeping me waiting. I have always enjoyed tissue papers--for writing and wiping. Thanks to the tissue paper for keeping me company for 2 more hours of waiting.)



first attempt to free verse

Would you tell me of the moment
when your heart would stop beating for me?
Or would you just look at me
and let me find the signs?

Would you be cruel and dismiss me
if I try to kiss your lips?
Or would you kiss me still
and let me feel the dryness of it?

Would you stop writing love letters
when I send you one out of love?
Or would you respond with poetries
but hopes they're for somebody else?

Would you refuse my hand
if I ask you to dance?
Or would you sweep me off my feet
without the old and rhythmic beat?

How will I lose your heart?
Tell me all about it.
For now, everything looks perfect.
Everything seems woven to fit.

But What About Tomorrow?
How would I know
when you've finally given up
and gotten tired of me?

I'm asking all the wrong questions
'cause I have fears that you don't see.
But I know, you'll just tell me to have faith
that no matter what;
this is the Love Story God made For You and Me.

© Claudine F. Claudio

(OO NA CHEESY NA KUNG CHEESY!)

i know i did not do anything wrong but i apologized anyway

It is becoming a habit of mine to apologize for nothing. No, let me rephrase that--it is becoming a habit of mine to apologize for making a person feel bad for something I said or did which I honestly did not mean to. Apparently, I'm losing my grip with good communication. Well, actually it's just for this one person who I respect and care about so much. From the moment I started admiring her, she always makes me feel guilty for every mistake that I commit in my life. She's an inspiration and obviously an oblivious guidance to me. She taught me how to encourage myself and make myself better not for someone else but for me and for God. No, let me rephrase that again--she taught us. She's probably not even aware she is one of the factors of change in my life and in my beliefs. Or maybe she is aware--and she is already used to being considered as the best one or the greatest one. She probably got fed up with us, little kids, adoring her and telling her how inspiring and encouraging she is. She probably got so irritated having people requesting for her time and attention.

This is unfair. I am unfair. I don't even know her personally. I have little idea how her mind is set or how she really is as a friend. All I know is that she changed me and I can't think of a way to repay the kindness and understanding that she had shown me before. But I'm being unfair now because I am hurt. I was walking with Lance somewhere in Q.C. yesterday when I suddenly ask him to stop so I could sit on the grass. He knew I intend to take the time off to cry. I started crying my eyes out for a text message from her that did not seem right and real to me. She did not like the tone of my message. She did not like the tone of my message. She did not like it yet all the while I was thinking I was being too polite. I guess the message came out differently to her because every time I text her, I always make sure that I am polite and that I do not sound like an idiot. I usually read them twice or thrice before sending just to make sure I have no grammar lapses or wrong punctuation even if I'm writing in Tagalog. Can you see how desperate I am to impress this person?

I don't know what happened. I don't know what's wrong. But I have noticed her coldness even before this incident. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the favor I have asked from her. I'm not sure about anything at all. It's probably my fault. I don't know why it always ends up being my fault.

I realized something yesterday, though. I apologized a number of times because I have always believed in the fact that she could never be wrong. She's right. My friends are right. I shouldn't patronize her. She's a human being. I can't just allow her to make me feel bad about myself. I must stand up for myself because I did not do anything wrong. She did not even send me a response to tell me that my apologies are accepted. She just left me there waiting the whole night and wondering like a retard if she's still mad. But I need to go on. Lance said I shouldn't worry much. Besides, she's probably not even aware how the incident still drives me mad until this very moment.