The Excruciating Pain of Missing

Some people; they hurt you for no reason. Some people; they hate you for reasons you don't understand. Some people; they tell you they love you then betray you. Some people; they love you only for reasons that you understand.


I'm in pain at this moment. And I can't seem to find the reason why. All I know is, I feel like crying. I feel like shouting. I feel like exploding. Everything in my world is colliding. School, family, friends, emotions. Even Lance who I thought would all be the smiles that I need, no, he's part of the pain that I'm feeling right now. If you ask me at this particular moment why on earth I am feeling placidly suicidal, I'd probably just look at you blankly and, I don't know, probably cry. There really are times in my life when mild depressions occur for no apparent motives. They just come and go in random.


Earlier this evening, I had a little conversation with one of my best buds, Kaycee (my Pakner), we haven't talked for quite some time and I miss her badly! She's the kind of friend you could just call up anytime. She's more than willing to be your exhaust fan in time when your emotional restroom needs it most. In our conversation, we joked about taking suicide together. When she asked me when do I plan to, I answered, "Nag-iipon pa'ko para sa pagtalon ko sa tuktok ng Eiffel Tower... Ang cheap naman kung sa estero lang ng AdU. Kaso nagagastos ko lagi mga ipon ko." Then she replied, "Sige pag-ipunan natin ung Eiffel Tower."

It may seem like a whole charade. And yes, it is for some reason. But deep inside we both know we've considered leaving this world as an option for all the problems the world is giving us. But on the other hand, we both know suicide is all but a stupid and dumb idea. And we both trust each other never to resort to it.


I'm writing all these because I miss my pakners. In the past, these are the times, together with my other pakner, Janice, when we schedule meetings to watch films and afterwards, talk problems through. Sometimes we write them down on stationeries and send them personally on our respective classrooms. I miss the days when we cry together, laugh together and simply just be quiet together. The days when we try to make up alibis to our "original barkadas" and parents so we could stay together longer. The incessant exchange of novels. The nonstop brainstorming and plot suggestions for my freshly-thought stories. The excitement we feel everytime a new idea for a story pops in our heads. The intense involvement in Sidney Sheldon's tragic storylines. The embarrassing moments we keep experiencing when we are together. The intellectual forums about art, literature, psychology, current events and politics. The funny debates and arguments. The long waits on our meeting places. The "utangan" blues.


I miss them so much. It is sad to know that no matter how much we long to be together, it's not that easy anymore. We can't just call each other up like when we do in high school. Going to college has changed a lot of things. For some reason, it has changed us as well. We've created new friendships. A new life. Various priorities have bombarded us with new responsibilities and it is harder for us to schedule dates without conflicts. Nevertheless, like what I've told Kaycee "Matatapos din lahat 'tong mga problema na 'to. Makakahanap din tayo ng time para gawin na uling exhaust fan ang isa't isa."


Kristine Gonzaga & Janice Cuaño: I miss you real bad...