Journal Entry (9/9/2006 1:27 PM)

9/9/2006 1:27 PM
Subject: The Coward That I Am
Author: Claudine Claudio


Some girls feel good about themselves when they see their boyfriends crying because of them. Well, in my case, I thought I would too but the moment I felt Lance’s tears on my shoulder, I knew happiness isn’t the name of the emotion I was going through.

We had a fight yesterday afternoon on the bus on our way home to Laguna. No, “we” isn’t the appropriate term. “I” fought with him. He was practically just defending himself like he always does whenever I put up a fight. Last Thursday while he was sharing some of his memorable experiences, some names caught my ear which triggered bad memories. Paranoia started to take over me once again. I tried not to worry of many things but I keep coming back to my analysis and hypothetical theories regarding our relationship. The truth is his past keeps troubling me. Every time I think about the disturbing things he has done in the past, I can’t help but worry that one day he would be tempted to do them again. That’s the silliest habit I have. Comparing the past to the present. Thinking the past will always have a connection to our present and future life. And that is so true, if I may state, even if I do not belong in his past.

Yesterday, I showed him the worst feeling somebody could ever show…

Distrust.

Suspicion.

Doubt.

I could not look straight in his eyes when he asked me the questions, “Wala ka pa rin talagang tiwala sa’kin noh?” “Hindi mo talaga maramdaman na mahal kita?” “Hindi mo pa rin makita?”

Gazing outside the window I shook my head, “Hindi ko alam…”

“Naiintindihan kita bakit hindi mo kaya magtiwala sa’kin.”

“Pa’no mo nasabing naiintindihan mo’ko?” I asked.

“Dahil sa nakaraan ko. Mahirap ako pagkatiwalaan. Wala na talaga nagtitiwala sa’kin.”

I wished to speak. To tell him he’s wrong. That I trust him. That I’m just afraid. But instead I chose to gaze out of the window so I could think more clearly.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Then I was surprised when he leaned his head on my shoulder. “Sorry po… Naiintindihan naman kita eh. Sorry po…” He clinged to my left arm and buried his head on my shoulder. I didn’t respond. I wanted to scold him for being so considerate and understanding to me because I knew it wasn’t his fault. But I stayed quiet still staring outside the highway. Then some seconds later I felt the shoulder portion of my uniform wetting. I knew it was his tears. He was crying and I didn’t feel good about it at all. Instead I felt fury. Furious with myself for being a bitch. For being a coward. For being stupid. For purposely blinding myself from what I am seeing.

“Ginagawa ko naman kasi lahat eh ‘wag ka lang mawala sa’kin…” I heard him say between sobs. I could feel the emotions racing through my body. I wanted to cry too but I tried real hard to contain my emotions. I felt so bad about myself that I wished I could just bang my head on the glass window. I’ve hurt him. And seeing him in that condition made me feel so undeserving of his love.

The truth is I trust him. I trust the promises that he gave me. The love that he has for me. I trust him when he said he’s changing for me. I truly do. But I’m afraid to admit to him that I’m giving him it to him fully. I’m afraid that it would sooner or later become my weakness. Because I don’t trust today’s time. I’ve witnessed many relationships failed. I don’t trust the circumstances that may change us. People of today are too weak. And Lance and I are part of today’s world. I’ve seen how marriages can break. I’ve seen how love can fade and the fact that it does fade. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. No matter how hard we try to detach ourselves from conformity, there will always be temptations. I love him. And I’m afraid this time it is true. I am a coward for wanting to run away from the pain love may cause. I am a coward for doubting and not accepting the fact that somebody truly loves me as me. I am a coward for hurting him like that.

They said that it’s easiest to take somebody for granted when you are aware of how much they love you. I took Lance for granted. Of all people, how could I even begin to think that he isn’t sincere? How could I doubt him after all that he’s done for me? How could I be such a coward? When all the while he’s doing everything to be brave for me?

I’m sorry. Not only to Lance but also to God. For hurting the person He has blessed me. For taking His gift for granted. For not appreciating it. I’m sorry for being a coward.