I'm getting worse each day

Last week, while unwittingly consuming carbon monoxide during our 30-minute ride from Binan to San Pedro, Laguna, Lance and I engaged into a reflective conversation which led us into agreeing how our current life activities seemed to have become unproductive and "unlike us". I haven't been coming to work on time for the past 2 months. I'm always late and I'm afraid I have consumed most of my sick leaves for the last year to cater my nocturnal habits and idiosyncrasies. I'm reaching my work quota, though, despite my numerous "undertimes" and tardiness. I also tried going to work on Sundays to make up for my half days during Tuesdays and Wednesdays because of graduate school. I'm really trying, you know. However, each day at work seemed to be dragging me down into being a lowlife. School, friends, Lance, pets, and home are the only elements of excitement in my life right now. I'm afraid I'm becoming someone I have always sworn never to be--a slob.

In our conversation, I reluctantly swallowed my pride and told Lance, "lagi ko naiisip... hindi kaya lahat ng kine-claim ko sa sarili ko puro front lang para ma-establish ko identity ko sa iba." (I've always been thinking. . . is it possible that everything I claim myself to be is merely a front to establish my identity to others?). I was looking far ahead of me avoiding his eyes. I was afraid his eyes would agree. He didn't say anything at once so I decided to elaborate more (still not looking at him).

"Lagi ko sinasabi mahilig ako magsulat. Hindi na nga ako halos nakakasulat sa journal ko, ng stories ko. Laging 'di natatapos. Sabi ko mahilig ako magbasa eh yung huling librong binili ko di ko pa natapos." (I always say I love to write. I haven't been writing on my journal. . . I can't even finish my stories. I said I love reading but I didn't even get to finish the last book I've bought.)

"Tinatamad ka na kasi, mahal." (Because you're becoming lazy). He softly responded. I was so ready for his answer that I almost nodded in agreement simultaneously. Then he shared that he, too, is having the same dilemma. He enjoys freehand drawing so much and actually has the time to perform them but he would just end up playing in Facebook or watching his favorite anime. We're both afraid that we'll lose the skills if we continue on tolerating our procrastinating habits. It's like we're having some extreme “mental block” which is severely affecting our productivity. This is why Paulo Coelho's tweet about routine is very timely for me, “Don't allow routine to transform you in[to] someone you're not.”

Indeed, I am transforming into someone I hate to be. I want to go back to my old self who always finds the minutest light in the darkest places. I know I may not be making any sense. Work is draining me--the nature of it and the management which poorly handles it. It sounds bad to blame the very reason why I am enjoying graduate school but I can't help it. So, before I start on ranting and complaining about work, I'd better publish this one and start believing again that everything will soon be alright.