Journal Entry (07/03/06 11.32 p.m.)

7/3/2006 11:32p.m.
Subject: School Pressure
Author: Claudine Claudio

This day is probably one of the most tragic days of my life. I was actually surprised that I didn’t show any sign of depression after I went out of the media center. I was actually all smiles and laughs with my friends and with Lance. I even told him “Aba, hindi ako bad mood ngayon ah… siguro mamaya sa bahay pag wala na akong kausap.” And I turned out right. There are 4 constant words floating around my head since I got out of the media center this afternoon. I AM A FAILURE.

“You’re the worst agency… worst agency… worst agency…”

I can’t stop the involuntary ringing of my professor’s words about our presentation. I want to cry. This is bittersweet torture. Writing my emotions down. Trying to refresh the feeling of rejection over and over again. I feel bitter. And the bitterness is towards the main character of my world. ME. Yes, in objective form. I can’t feel subjective anymore. It’s as if every little opinion I have in my dumb head doesn’t matter anymore because they’re all wrong. All pretending to be right when it’s actually brainless all along. I want to cry. Cry until my eyes run dry. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. But I know I’m wrong. I’ve done that before and it was of no use. There’s too much held back tears kept in my system that I feel it would never run dry. I have a reservoir of tears. Tears I have long ago concealed from the public eye. But now I want to unleash them all from the chains I have forced to them. But I won’t. Because I’m in my parent’s room and I’m supposed to be finishing my Editorial paper.

I AM A FAILURE. I feel disappointed with myself once again. I’m going back to that immature stage where I felt like I can’t do anything right. This semester is becoming such a big pressure on my shoulder. I’ve been doing my best with everything I do. My assignments. My quizzes. My papers. The Defense. I thought everything was working out fine until today happened. I got a 75 and 88 in my film analysis early this morning. That alone would have ruined my day but The Defense had to add up to my misfortunes. “…worst agency. Worst agency…” I want to die. I can’t trust myself anymore. I’m losing confidence. I’m losing hope. I feel like a loser. A person meant to self-destruct.

I can’t write a story. I’m really losing it. I’m becoming unimaginative, uncreative, brainless, shallow-minded, illogical, untalented etc. I feel useless and worthless. Now I’m crying. It does feel nice. But what can it do? It won’t bring me back to my old manic hopeful self. I’m a loser. I know I must not do this. Ma’am Liz taught me never to discourage myself because what you think reflects how you act. But at this moment, these are my present thoughts and I cannot seem to control them.

Maybe I’m really not as good as how I see myself before. I thought I was really good in school. I never doubt that before. But now I definitely do. In the past, I was certain I could be competitive. But now I’m not certain anymore. I don’t want to give up. With my old self, giving up would be my last or perhaps never a resort. But now I feel like resorting to it.

“I thought you’re with God? How can you say so if you are this shallow?”
I can hear somebody reprimanding me. Yes, how dare I lose hope and happiness? Hey, I shouldn’t even be writing this! Isn’t this the place where I actually prayed to be? A place where I can be challenged. A place where I can feel pressure but at the same time enjoy the pleasure of trying to endure it? Haha! Oh my, I’m such an idiot! Hehehehe! This is crazy. Or maybe I’m going crazy. Yes I think so ‘coz now I’m laughing!

/ingenue07