Letting Go...

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Today makes no sense whatsoever. The hole of loneliness is still in the depths of my broken heart. It's been 5 months since we broke up, but for me, it always felt like yesterday. I wonder how I could get over it. Over the pain. I wonder when I would get over him.

Everything was perfect. I love him. He loves me. Everything was a dream. A transformation of all of those teenage daydreams into a magical reality. October 2004, a month I could never forget in my whole damned life. I met him at last and fell in love. It was like those days when it seemed like everything in your life was going wrong and then you saw him, talked to him and everything just suddenly went right. Everything changed and I was happy. Until the month of October ended and I felt like everything went back to where they used to be. To “normal”. I had sensed that he had changed and the magic between us had ended. I wonder why, so soon. The loneliness, the problems started to float from where I have tried to sink them, the dejavu of feeling rejected and unworthy once again. The unfathomable abyss where I had tried to bury all of these tribulations was hollowed out. He was the one who took it all away, the one who helped me bury it. But in time, he himself dug it out and gave it all back to me.

I wanted to tell him how much I hate him. But then, I don’t have the right. I’m only a hopeless romantic who prays every night that someday I may find the love I’ve been searching for, for years. I’m a mere desperate child craving for attention and assurance that I am loved by the people around me and I am worth loving.

I hate him. But still, I can’t, because this is my karma. My karma for being the selfish bitch that I am. I took him for granted the first time I’ve ever called him my boyfriend. I used him to carry away the solitude that’s engraved in my poor heart. I can’t hate him. I can’t hate him because I know even in that lone month, he had made me the happiest person in the world. Even in that short period of time, I know I would never regret having him to love and to care for so much. It still hurts. The pain of being left alone once again is still warm. He had left me scared and lost. Scared of being hurt once again and lost in the arms of confusion and self-doubt.

I know one day, I’m going to fall in love again. I don’t care if it’s tomorrow, the next day or the next decade. I just want to fall in love again. I’m still scared, yes, but I want to try it again. There’s still hesitation, but if love knocks on my door, I’m not going to turn my back on it. I know it’s crazy and you might think I’m crazy too, but it’s just that… I felt like I’m bound to be lonely for the rest of my life…