Seeing My Most Favorite Person in the World Cry...

"One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child. "
~Carl Jung

I can't remember the last time I have ever felt so bothered in school. A lot of things have been happening these past few weeks. Product development, Battle of the Ads, radio commercial, projects in Computer Literacy, Essay and Editorial paper, Film analysis, midterm exams, etc. I feel so tired and exhausted. Different subjects but one huge pressure. I could actually feel my shoulders slouching with too much weight. I can't even feel the weekends. But I know this is the load every college student has to experience to be able to ready himself/herself for the real world outside school campus.

Yes, I feel tired but that doesn't mean I feel like giving up. No, of course not. No way. I'm actually enjoying the pressure this semester is giving me. And in this blog entry, I'm giving out one of the major reasons why I still have the energy to endure the weights I currently have on my shoulder. Ma'am Jen. My Film and Editorial professor. Because she never fails to lighten up my school days. She serves as my major inspiration to see everything that comes my way with a positive attitude. She's my guide and mentor who gives me courage to believe that I am important and that I could be somebody someday. She makes my years spent as a Mass Communication student remarkable and significant.

But yesterday, the loads I'm carrying suddenly seemed to weigh down more on my already wearying shoulders. We have hurt Ma'am Jen's feelings. My classmates showed disrespect in her Editorial class when they continued discussing activities on our other subjects while she was already speaking out front. She scolded us for a while “’Pag oras ko, oras ko!” and afterwards tried to discuss the lesson with a cold face. I felt so numb listening to her lesson that I wasn't able to understand much of the discussion. We saw how she stomped her feet when she told us to stay in the room for she will be back after an interview. How I can imagine her teeth gritting in anger behind that tight-lipped mouth after asking a question about the editorial cartoon presented by the overhead projector. How her eyes and voice insinuated coldness. How she lost her once soothing and encouraging voice. How her face deprived us of the smile we are so used to seeing everyday. I saw how she changed from my most favorite person in the world to a cold professor who is hurt. But I didn't see my Ma'am Jen. Especially when she started nagging at us again about how disrespectful we are. I could not look at her anymore because I can't see my Ma'am Jen so I looked down with my eyes fixed on Dave Pelzer's book resting on my lap. She accused us for putting her subjects as our least priority in school. How I wish to speak up and tell her it's not true! She accused us for abusing and taking advantage of her kindness. She accused us of more things that I have never ever, in my years of being her student, thought of doing. Then after a while of listening to her, I could feel a lump on my throat. My eyes were trying so hard to push back the tears not because I feel guilty of the things she had said, but because I couldn't tell her how wrong she was. Moments later, I heard her voice broke but still I didn't look at her. My eyes stayed on the book but I knew there were tears on my favorite professor's eyes. “Hindi ako demanding. Binigyan ko kayo ng isang araw na rest day dahil alam ko hindi lang ako ang klase niyo. Hindi ako nagdedemand! Kung gusto nyo we can see each other less.” That statement evoked fear in me. “If possible ipopost ko na lang ‘yung mga topics sa labas para hindi na kayo papasok sa klase ko. Sa Film, ganun na lang din gawin natin! Ipopost ko sa labas ‘yung DVD magdecide na lang kayo kailan nyo papanoorin tapos pati exam ipopost ko na lang din.” Now that made me think to myself, “No… ‘Yun ngang one day na walang Editorial class nakakalungkot na, ‘yun pa kayang walang class at all with Ma’am Jen!” Of course it was just a thought but how I wish Ma’am Jen could know that. “Pwede naman kasing huwag mamili eh! Pwedeng pagsabay sabayin ang priorities. Hindi kailangang mamili!” She asked about how we could do such thing to her. To her, whom we have spent more quality and fun time rather than our other professors. “Ako... na mas matagal niyong nakasama...” were her exact words. Her voice broke again and then she walked out of the room. That was the time when I finally raised my head. An awkward silence enveloped the room for a while until we heard Ma'am Jen's furious voice at the back of the room (where their tables were located) sobbing to our other professor. I turned to my friend Sabrina and whispered, “Oh my God, Sab, magsorry tayo...” Then my other friend Ara gave me a look that insinuates gloominess. Ma'am Jen is all so important for us. It pains us to see her that way. We could still hear Ma'am Jen sobbing at the back. We had no idea what to do but we knew we have to apologize. Jens, my other friend stood up at last and approached Ma'am Jen. We waited. Then he came back sobbing. Ma'am Jen yelled, "Bakit kayo umiiyak? May ginawa ba akong masama?" My head returned to its previous position, towards the book on my lap. "Wala naman akong ginagawa sa inyo ah! Para namang kayo ang inapi ng husto! Ako pa nga ang inagrabyado nyo diba? Umalis na kayo. You're dismissed."

She left. But I didn't move. I didn't dare. Because I decided I wouldn't leave there without at least apologizing to my favorite professor. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I never discuss other subjects in her class because I knew Ma’am Jen hates it when her students do that. When she’s already in front, I’m all ears. I don’t like the idea of missing any of her statements. That’s how important she is to me. That’s why when my classmates decided to leave I told them that we should apologize first. Mami, my other friend, said “’Wag muna ngayon, Claudine. Palipasin muna natin mainit pa ulo ni Ma’am.” She has a point but I still thought we have nothing to lose if we at least tell her we’re sorry before we go. It is expected that she might snub us or push us away but my point there is, we apologized and we didn’t leave her there without a sign of remorse. But still they left without saying anything to Ma’am Jen. But Sabrina, Ara, Roselyn and I stayed. We all agreed to apologize even if we knew we didn’t do anything wrong. We just wanted her to know that she still have students who prioritize her subjects over or just the same with other major subjects. We waited there inside the room all thinking about what we were going to say. Then we decided to approach her at last. Ara pushed me into speaking out first. The moment I was just about 2 yards away from her, Irene, our other friend came back to the Media Center just in time when I, for the first time, stared into Ma’am Jen’s unfamiliar red puffy eyes. I could not bring myself to speak. I could see pain in my favorite professor’s eyes and it honestly broke my heart. Trying to collect myself but to no avail, I finally blurted out, “Sorry po, Ma’am…” She just stared at me as she moved towards us so I repeated, “Ma’am, sorry po—talaga.” And this time my voice broke just in time to give way to the held back tears that has been desperately waiting to surface. I immediately looked down to hide them but I know it’s too late. Then I heard Ara sobbed for the first time, “Ma’am hindi naman po kasi totoong hindi namin kayo pinaprioritize eh. Kayo nga po ang pinaprioritize namin eh.” She was crying her eyes out which just hollowed out all the emotions in my system. I couldn’t suppress the tears no more so I let them out. Besides my throat was hurting badly out of holding back the flow of tears. Then Ma’am Jen instructed us to go back inside the room where no one could walk in on us. Then as soon as we sat down with our heads down she asked, back to her soothing voice, “Bakit kayo umiiyak? Bakit kayo ang nandito at nagsosorry? Wala naman kayong ginawa ‘diba? Bakit kayo apektado?” We couldn’t answer that because I, myself, do not know why I felt so apologetic. “Hindi nga ako makatingin sa inyo eh…” “Nakita ko nga na kayo ‘yung mga hindi talaga umaalis sa upuan ninyo.” It was a very dramatic moment. Everyone was crying. Ma’am Jen apologized for also sending out the message to us. I really couldn’t help but cry more. “Alam niyo naman na gusto ko ‘yung class niyo kaya ako ganito…” “Huwag na kayo umiyak…”

Then out of nowhere, Ma’am Jen blurted, “Oh Irene, ikaw naman umiyak diyan! Para alternate.” We laughed out loud. “Nay, si Sab umiiyak walang panyo! Yuck kadiri! Pinupunasan ng kamay?! Malagkit yan!” We really couldn’t stop laughing. Then I finally stared at her, “Oh si Claudine ang lungkot na naman pero sa labas laging nambubully. ‘Yung malalaking tao pa! Binubully si Montefrio?! Hinahatak!” To Ara, “Ayan ang kapal na ng mata mo abot na dito nasasalat ko!” Then as we stood up, she bid her last joke, “O Irene, tama na iyak tapos na.”

We said our goodbyes. She gave Ara a big hug. Sabrina and Roselyn, a group hug. I, she held my head with her hands and kissed me on the forehead. Then lastly, Irene, a hug.

I still think that yesterday is one of the most memorable days of my life. To see my favorite professor cry and to show deep emotions myself was tough. I’m not used to allowing myself to become emotional in public. But yesterday was different, I realized how deeply attached I am to my professor. That’s because like what she said she doesn’t treat us as students anymore. Our class with Ma’am Jen actually feels more like a big circle of friends. Today, in our Film class, we can sense that she’s still mad. Her eyes were still swollen and at times she seemed like crying again. She lectured with the same coldness she had yesterday. She didn’t even greet us a Good Morning which she regularly did before. This day is saddening. Ma’am Jen serves as one major factor that determines the quality of my school days. Since hers is my first class and this day started with a cold treatment from her, this day is a total mess. She ignored us (Ara, Irene and Kathy) twice when she came across us along the corridor of the Media Center. It was puzzling because we thought everything was already fine between us. Ara and I were so deeply bothered and concerned by her behavior. We couldn’t bear to see her so unhappy in our presence. It was affecting us not only emotionally but also in terms of catching up with her lessons. I could not concentrate on her lectures because I was distracted by her depressed countenance. But the most confusing thing that happened today was when I was by myself running around inside the Media Center to ready for our radio commercial rehearsal. I ran into Ma’am Jen on my way to the radio booth. I looked at her then I was shocked when she said, “Hi Claudine!” in the same lively voice she always used before when greeting me. I was too shocked to react so I just bowed my head as a sign of acknowledgement. Then while waiting for Mon-Mon’s reply outside the Media Center gazing at the OZ building in front of me, I was surprised to see Ma’am Jen walking towards me. She smiled and said, “Oh bakit malungkot ka? Tapos hinahangin hangin pa yung buhok mo…” I laughed but it was a pained laugh. I wanted so badly to ask her, “Ma’am, ganito na po ba tayo lagi sa class natin sa Editorial at Film?” But I kept the question to myself. I’m still confused. But in reality I am also afraid. Afraid that Ma’am Jen would lose her once affection for our class. I know my friends and I would be free of that unaffectionate treatment but still I feel somewhat responsible. Because those are still OUR class. I’m afraid. Afraid that Ma’am Jen would think we do not have any difference from the previous batch she also had an issue with the same reasons like ours.

Before I finish this entry, I would like to post the question that’s been haunting me since yesterday. Why did we apologize when we know we didn’t do anything wrong?

My answer?

Because we want Ma’am Jen to feel that some of her students still care so much about her. That some of her students get bothered quickly when she gets hurt. That some of her students are willing to take the blame to make up with her. That some of her students can put aside their pride to show their sincerity. That some of her students are brave enough to face her even when they expect her to push them away. That some of her students gets easily affected when she’s angry.

And lastly, we want Ma’am Jen to know that some of her students sincerely love her not for the grades but because she had shown love no other professor has ever shown us before...