detachment.

These past few days, I have been consistent in including the word "detachment" in my daily thoughts. The seductive idea of being isolated in some place where human murmurs are considered taboo and out of place has been lingering in the darkest points of my thinking process. I am not afraid of people. I am tired of them. Do not mistake me for a loner. That would be much too understated. I love people--certain kinds of people, I guess. I remember in high school, I would always dream about a specific island that I wish to buy. I intend to build a new civilization in that place. A new breed of people if I might say so. A professor in college is right. She is always right anyway. Those students who raised their hands when asked if they dream to have a book included in bookstores' best-selling lists have a "Single World Domination Syndrome". You are absolutely right. I could have raised all my limbs if I am not conscious.

I do not hate people--no, of course not. However, I have this irresistible urge to murder loads of them. I am actually feeling "Hitler-like" which is absolutely evil of me. I do not particularly hate a human being right now. I cannot explain further why I am feeling murderous. It is not for you to understand anyway. Probably my villainous thoughts can be converted to the layman's term "obsession to make a change". I wish to do a lot of things to contribute something in the society but everytime I think about it, the pessimism saves me from doing anything at all. Stupid, right? You do not have to answer that, of course.

You know what, I think I will go write a draft of this world that I wish to live in or most probably a story of how dystopic I believe the future earth will be. Hah! Very Orwell! --and Huxley-ic of course.

never really thought i was such a hopeless romantic.

I came across this draft while I was sorting out my blogs last week. I had forgotten to finish it 2 years ago and I don't really know why. This was written last August 25, 2006 (as indicated in the draft) when the "maymie relationship" was just 2 months old. Haha! It was a fun read (for me, of course).

Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows?
Only time.
And who can say if your love grows as your heart chose?
Only time.
Who can say why your heart sighs as your love flies?
Only time.
And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies?
Only time.
Who can say when the roads meet?
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps if the night keeps all your heart?

-Enya "Only Time" lyrics

Last night, I, at last, took the guts to introduce Lance to my father. I actually looked all composed and relaxed when we entered the prayer meeting ground. But deep inside I could feel my insides shaking in anxiety. I could see the surprise on my parents', my little sister's and my aunts’ faces as they watched me, with Lance on my side, walking towards the entrance of the church parking area. They have all met Lance before and they've been asking me incessantly when I would be introducing Lance to Papa. I kept telling them, “Ewan ko po…Kakatakot eh.” I sort of feared what Papa’s reaction would be once he finally meets Lance. Not that I didn’t care about my mother’s, my aunts’ and cousins’ reaction. I deeply did. But my point is, Papa have always been very transparent that he doesn’t approve of me having a boyfriend yet. He usually expresses it in his morbid jokes but I know he meant them. And he’s a man. They tend to become possessive and over-protective. So I was sort of hesitant to let him meet Lance but I never withheld our relationship to him. I’ve been very honest to my parents about Lance. It might not seem like a big deal to some couples but I’ve been fretting about these kinds of issues for quite some time. For me it’s different, and some people may agree with me that it’s hardest to introduce a boyfriend to a father. Especially for a daughter who yearns so much for a father’s approval. So last night may look just like any ordinary prayer meeting night. But it wasn’t. It was one of the most significant nights of my life. The moment we approached the seats, I felt like dragging Lance out of the parking lot so I could breathe in some air. I was so nervous but of course I never looked it. For years, I’ve been trying real hard to avoid emotional manifestations on my countenance. We approached them with their back on us so Papa had to turn around while I said the 3 overly practiced words; Papa, si Lance…
The preacher was already starting his lecture but my mother, my sister and my aunts were looking at that wonderful moment when Papa smiled at Lance and took the initiative to shake his hand. Some minutes later, my younger brother arrived and all together in that parking area, we listened to God’s Word. I don’t believe in coincidences but the preacher talked about Love…

I wrote what happened last night because this brought me to the realization of how seriously in love I am with Lance. The fact that he’s the first guy I ever introduced to my family and relatives is one thing. And the warm reception my family has given him is a big bonus. To be honest I can’t hollow out any practical reason why I love him so much. I don’t want to sound mushy or anything. I’m not the kind of person who expresses my feelings openly to someone. But in this blog, I’d like to describe the intense feeling God has blessed me to experience.

I’m not going to say that he is the first guy ever to make me feel this way. That’s way too dramatic and corny. And he isn’t anyway so what’s the point in saying? Well, the point is, he may not be the first guy I’ve fallen in love with but he’s the first guy who ever made me feel so content and happy with my life. It’s like everything that occurred in the past, even the most painful ones, seemed happened so the path of my life would lead to his and vice versa. Though, he isn’t the type of guy I would consider as my ideal, I know he is the guy who would always try.

I know we’re both too young to have this relationship. Sometimes I doubt whether I did the right thing when I allowed him to become my boyfriend. I have decided a long time ago that as long as I am still in school, studies would always come first. I have very big dreams that there are times when I consider myself as quite ambitious. And I thought a boyfriend was just a hindrance for me to achieve the life I had forever imagined. I believed that to reach your dreams, you need to have focus. And having a boyfriend while you’re studying would lead you out of it. But with Lance, everything started to have exceptions. I realized that the conceptions I had before depends on the kind of relationship and love that a person had. When I came to know Lance, I discovered disturbing incidents from his past. Incidents that go against my standards for a potential boyfriend and almost led our relationship to a break up. I can’t risk school by worrying too much about him so I decided to end it. Then he promised me he would change. I said okay and I would wait for that time when he could already prove to me that he has changed. Then what he said afterward gave me time to contemplate that I probably have selfish motives. He said that people say when you truly love a person; you will accept him no matter who he is. I say no. You can’t just accept everything especially when you know what the person is doing isn’t right anymore. I believe if you TRULY LOVE somebody… you try to change his/her wrong ways if you can. And if he/she TRULY LOVES you, he/she will strive to become a better person for you.

For now, everything is going smoothly within our relationship. I can see how he is trying so hard to change his faulty ways to prove his love for me. The thing is, I'm afraid that all these perceptions are nothing but a pigment of my hopeful imagination. Or maybe I'm just being plain and childishly idealistic.

Well, it turns out I was a hopeless creature with some grammar lapses and crazy faces but not necessarily childishly idealistic.