Voices

10:51 PM 12/27/2007

Dear Notepad,

And so the rattling goes. It wouldn't stop. The piercing sound is similar to the shrilling voices that visits her head every night. But she knew the rattling was different from the shrilled voices. The rattling she could understand. The shrilled night visitor she couldn't decipher. The latter drills a hole in her head. The former guns a bullet in her heart.

Emotional. She's too emotional. Ironic, 'cause people would often conclude that her stability goes halfway beyond emotions. It's making her cry. The rattles. It's making her mad. The shrills.

She couldn't take defense. It hasn't been established yet. Or it seems she doesn't own the right to fight. But she tried to no avail because the voices would not even try to comprehend her frail murmur.

So, how does she deal with it?

She writes it here.

Where she prays her words could equate the voice she desires to speak.

trying to elude helplessness with stupid questions... to no avail.

if youre not going to be honest,
dont take this survey.

1. Where is the last place you have
travelled?
~ Adamson...

2. If you were drafted into a war,
would you survive?
~ this is really one thing I've always wanted to find out.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
~ no. our mom taught us to conserve energy.

4. Have you ever drank milk straight
out of the carton?
~ well, yes...

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
~ nope. it's actually frustrating.

6. What is your longest fight with one
of your friends?
~ 10 minutes is long.

7. Are you a fast typer?
~ define fast.

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
~ no.

9. Do you like someone right now?
~ i like many people.

10. What ended your last relationship?
~ insincerity.

12. Do you knock on wood?
~ no. but since, i have superstitious friends, i find myself knocking on metals.

13. Are you drinking anything right
now?
~ no.

14. Do you think you're smart?
~ I'd like to believe I am.

15. Have you ever eaten a bug?
~ yes, a gummy bug. those trolls and yupi.

16. Do you miss someone right now?
~ i always do.

17. What do you want for Christmas?
~ spiritual development.

18. Do you like love songs?
~ yes.

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
~ so far, my family and friends can testify that I do talk... i sometimes converse with my mom and lil sis.

20. Do you remember your 1st crush?
~ no.

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
~ no. but i'd like to eversince i was a kid.

22. When was the last time that you
went swimming and where?
~ June 10. Villa Lim.

23. Do you consider yourself
successful?
~ no. i'm actually struggling to be.

24. How many people are on your
contact list of your cell phone?
~ i don't know and i don't care.

25. Have you ever asked for a horse?
~ yeah! when we were in baguio! i badly want to horseback ride.

26. Plans for 2MORROW?
~ mourn for our insane chapter 4.

27. What did you do this past weekend?
~ pretend i'm doing good with our thesis.

28. Miss being at school this time?
~ no. it's draining me.

29. When is the last time you told
someone you loved them?
~ 3 hours ago.

30. Do you want to be single?
~ i can't be double, can i?

32. Who's your hero?
~ i don't like to consider anybody my hero. i'm not good in dealing with disappointments.

33. Have you ever been suspended or
expelled from school?
~ no.

34. What are you looking forward to?
~ our thesis defense.

35. If you could be stranded with one
person for 24 hours, who would it be?
~ anybody who has the marks of a winner. (oh c'mon!)

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
~ you're starting to irritate me.

38. Can you handle the truth?
~ you're annoyingly inconsistent.

39. Do you like eggs and ham?
~ on mornings.

40. What 3 things do you always bring
with you to places?.
~ pen, something to write on, myself.

41. Any cool scars?
~ when on earth did scars become cool?

42. Are you missing in action?
~ where's the action?

44. Whats your deepest secret?
~ answering this.

45. How often do you talk on the phone?
~ seldom.

46. Do you believe in love?
~ in what level? eros? platonic? i don't want to believe in things that fade. agape? i'd rather.

47. Is there something you want that
you can't have?
~ this is not even a question at all.

48. Four things about the preferred
sex that you first notice?
~ 1, 2 ,3 and 4

49. When was your last time you cried?
~ last night. (i'm not implying that i'm sad in here or anything, i just cried last night without knowing the reason why.)

50. Who did you last hug?
~ lance.

51. Do you get along with your family?
~ yes.

52. Where is your phone?
~ on top of the desk.

53. What was the last thing you ate?
~ my fingernails.

54. Favorite color?
~ lavender, brown, black

55. Last movie you saw?
~ You, Me and Dupree

56. What song are you listening to?
~ tell me.

57. What do you want?
~ peace of mind.

58. Favorite liquor?
~ ___

59. What T.V. shows are you watchin?
~ i'm bored with this.

60. Who was the last person you talked
to on the phone?
~ can't remember.

Repost as 60 honest answer

Thank God, it's done. I apolgize for not being discreet with my annoyance. I'm just drained after finally admitting to myself that our thesis sucks big time. Defense is just 2 weeks away and I still can't prove anything solid regarding our theories and concepts. Damn, I'm worried. Damn well I am! Somebody please tell me I'm not alone in this cynicism!

current state of mind...

I had a surreal realization just minutes ago before I wrote this exact sentence I am writing right now.

I, for almost 20 years, lived a life trying to get people to understand me. And just minutes ago, I came to stanchly face the fact that my cowardly efforts had been in vain. Because, people, no matter how dear or close you are to them; eventhough how much they love or know you, most of the times they would not understand you. Not even close.

And it brings pain to know that at the end of the day, at the end of every issue or burden your struggling with, it would all depend on you. With no one to cling or hold on to. I may be talking in riddles right now but then, why should I not be? Every single thing I have on my little mediocre (thanks mon) head is a riddle. A concoction of never-ending labyrinths and questions.

I'm not sure if I'm speaking here in solitude. At random times, I believe I am. Sometimes I forcefully rekindle a flame that assures me of company. But thinking about it just fuels the frustration more. And it's sad... It's sad to be in this eyes seeing things I don't like to see. Sad to be in this ears hearing thing s don't want to hear. Sad to be in this tongue speaking of things I don't want to speak. And it's sad, sad to be here at this state of mind trying to think of things I should not be thinking.

It's sad.

It's sad to be here unable to understand myself. Not even close.

raining sentiments...

The only advantageous effect of having no classes for 6 straight days (considering that it won't be raining hard on Tuesday) is that I don't have to experience the pressuring hassles of finishing my "I Don't Understand Why" and "I Understand Why" poems. In addition to that, I can tolerate my procrastinating habit and do everything on Monday including my unfinished powerpoint in Ethics.

I don't like it when I stay at home for so long. Well, don't get me wrong. I love to spend quality time with my family. I often miss them whenever school works are becoming too heavy for me. I'm usually not at home. Even when I am, the first thing I do as soon as I get home (usually at around 11:30 P.M. ) is turn on my laptop, become silently impatient at the freaking speed of my forsaken dial-up and do whatever it is that I need to submit the next day. If lucky and I have no assignments (which happens once a week) I still turn on my laptop, become silently impatient at the freaking speed of my REALLY forsaken dial-up and check my Friendster and mail. Then afterwards, I lie on my seemingly casted off bed and I get to stare up stupidly at the ceiling waiting so badly that sleep would fall from it. Unfortunately, sleep eludes me until my mother is ready to prepare my sister's breakfast and lunchbox at 4:30 a.m.

So, these 3-day vacation serves as my real REST. Not that I need rest. I mean, of course I do need rest physically. But these three days didn't relax me at all. I was chased by emotional and intellectual exhaustion. Sometimes, I'd rather be doing something physically tiring than think about a lot of things 'cause it drains my energy more. You see, I miss Lance, so I think about him most of the time. I keep recalling the things we do together like that crazy maymietalk. Everytime I imagine his face, I can't help but let out a huge smile. Even when he's texting me, I still can't help but imagine how he was saying every message as if he was telling it to me personally. I miss my friends so I also think about them. Sometimes I would even reminisce our times together. Mads' and I's mad conversations, Ara's playful countenance, Irene's funny remarks, Sab's sarcastic personality, Mon's newly-established romantic personality, Jens' hilarious blunders, Ran's unexpected modeling poses on unexpected places, Tina's absurd comments with that big toothy smile. I also miss my bestest friends in the world, Kaycee and our intellectual forums and crazy addiction to some Hollywood icons, Janice and our playful verbal fights and Zhe-Ela and our lovelife sharing. I miss my professors and their classes. I miss my classmates. Then there is Papyrus. The newsletter I am so determined to get published. My writers I so badly want to get motivated. My writing that seems to be fading its once shining eloquence.

And so the weariness swarms every section of my system. It is more exhausting than ever.

answering stupid questions while waiting for latecoming slumber...

1.SONG PLAYING AT THE MOMENT?
~ Don't Wait by Dashboard.. Damn, I love this song.

2. MY REASON FOR LIVING?
~ to die and see my creator..

3.DO U THINK YOUR CRUSH IS SEXY?
~ si maymie lance? he's the sexiest for me.

4.EVER DONATED BLOOD?
~ no.. mas kelangan ko nga ng dugo eh.

5.FAVE COLOR(S)?
~ purple, brown, black

6.ACCESSORIES YOU USUALLY WEAR?
~ my ponytail

7.ONE SONG TO DESCRIBE A HEARTBREAK?
~ I dunno.. I don't want to think about it.

8. LAST PLACE YOU WENT TO?
~ my room.

9.LAST PERSON WHO DISAPPOINTED YOU?
~ my little sister

10.THE MOST BORING SPORT?
~ I haven't played golf so I don't have the right to say it's boing. But i get bored jut watching it. So I'll say, golf.

11.EVER HAD A BABY?
~ biologically, not yet. But I consider my li'l sis and my niece as my babies. Well, my maymie Lance can count.

12.THE FUNNIEST MOVIE YOU WATCHED
THESE PAST WEEK?
~ these past week? well, last last week I remember watching Date Movie.

14.THE MOST ROMANTIC GIFT?
~ when God sent me Lance...

15.SANG ON STAGE BEFORE?
~ yeah.. When I was in 2nd yr. college.. 'joined a singing contest.

16.STRUCK BY LIGHTNING BEFORE?
~ no. but I'm thinking about having it chasing me.

17.DANCED WITH YOUR LOVED ONE?
~a hehehe kinikilig ako.

18.EVER WISHED YOU COULD TURN
BACKTIME?
~ no. never.

19.WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WOKE UP
ONE DAY?
~ i think you're asking a stupid question.

20.THREE SONGS THAT ARE MEANINGFUL
TO YOU?
~ don't wait, into the west & everything i do.

21.LAST PERSON you met...
~ my cousins

22.WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING TOMORROW?
~ continue revising our thesis

24.DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU?
~ i hope so.

25.WHAT WAS THE LAST GAME YOU PLAYED?
~ wordslinger

26...
~ where have you gone?

27.THE COLOR OF YOUR MOBILE PHONE?
~ black..

28. DO YOU HATE SOMEONE AT THE MOMENT?
~ no.

29. WHAT DO YOU WISH TO HAPPEN NOW?
~ i want sleep to come.

30. DO YOU THINK IT WILL HAPPEN?
~ it will come. but not until 4 a.m. damn!

the pain that is most unbearable...

I can't remember the last time I allowed my fingers to pour my broken mind and heart in the recesses of cyberspace. I guess they're too crushed to even send messages to my once automatic and active writing hands. You see, thinking about what I'm going to write, I can already feel the weighing pain of the past events I was unable to write.


So why am I writing this now? Yes, I miss this. The feeling of knowing that anybody can read the most personal things about you but you don't really care at all. 'Cause at one point, you know you wanted to reach out to someone. Even if this someone is somebody you never expect to care about you, how much more waste time to read your blog? But I don't care. I don't care at all. When I write online, I feel free. Free from the derogatory conclusions of the world. You remain someone whom everyone can relate to. Someone like everybody else. I can feel the overwelming extent of equality. And that's saddening. For I know that once I detach this slow dial-up connection, I have to go back to my world. Never have I been so scared to go back. Just now. Never have I ever thought that cyberspace is a much better place to live. Just now. Never have I been afraid to face reality. Just now. I'd rather write a thousand tragic stories than step into the tragic feet of my counterpart at home. So let me just stay here... Just for a moment.


It was 2 o'clock in the morning, Monday, first day of classes for me when all the lights in my room were still bright (Oh c'mon, you only have one light bulb in your room!) Waiting for a bloody realization and proof that my head sucks and my heart sucks twice. I was drying myself from the incessant flow of tears. Everything around me seems to be revolving all so wrong. I had a strong desire to crush my head on my purple wall just like what I did a couple of times almost 3 months ago. But I didn't. Instead I caught a glimpse of Lance and I's uncut pictures on photo paper and searched for my pink and blue cutter on my Cose bag. While I was cutting the photos, the tears just went flowing more heavily. I missed Lance and I needed him real bad at that moment. But he was asleep then unaware of the insanity I was about to carry out to myself. After cutting all the pictures, I sat there still on my bedroom floor. I had no idea what to do next. If there's enough space I could've sprawled myself there. So here's what I did. I took the pink cutter and removed the top blade so I could have a more sharpened one. Slowly, I slid the blade at the back of my hand. A second later, a red line materialized followed by a tolerable pain that felt awfully good in my senses. I did it again harder. More pressure everytime. Then again until I've drawn 4 pararrelled red line on my left hand and 5 on my right. At last, I've finished crying. But I knew I wasn't done yet. I drew a hard and quick cut on my left pulse area. The feeling was so beautiful I can't describe it. Then again. Then again. By the time I went to bed to lie down, I had 19 bleeding cuts all in all. But only 4 of them were dripping blood. 3 on the pulse and 1 on my right hand. I laid on my bed my arms sprawled. I anticipated the idea that I would cry again. But I didn't. All I could feel was the pain I have inflicted to myself. There was still pain in my heart but the physical pain was covering it. And it feels good. The cuts were preventing me to feel the more excruciating inner cuts I have inside. It's giving me time to escape the fact that I am wounded.


It is indeed unhealthy. Like what Ma'am Jen told me. There are other ways to deal with struggles. And I know that so well 'cause eversince I was little I usually write my emotions down. But now, it's hard for me to think that way anymore. Because just last semester, some people took away the faith I have in my writing. And it's hard for me to fix that broken faith by myself. So I thank Ma'am Jen, Ma'am Mabelle, Sir James, Lance, Mads, Kristine, Ara, Sab, and Irene for giving me courage to face myself and helping me fix my once enthusiastic and hopeful self.


Most especially to my Creator...


Thank you so much for sending me these people. Just thinking about them makes me smile and now I'm changing my mind. I'm leaving cyberspace for the mean time 'cause thinking about these people I have in my life makes me feel excited about facing the challenges of the world once more.