Voices

10:51 PM 12/27/2007

Dear Notepad,

And so the rattling goes. It wouldn't stop. The piercing sound is similar to the shrilling voices that visits her head every night. But she knew the rattling was different from the shrilled voices. The rattling she could understand. The shrilled night visitor she couldn't decipher. The latter drills a hole in her head. The former guns a bullet in her heart.

Emotional. She's too emotional. Ironic, 'cause people would often conclude that her stability goes halfway beyond emotions. It's making her cry. The rattles. It's making her mad. The shrills.

She couldn't take defense. It hasn't been established yet. Or it seems she doesn't own the right to fight. But she tried to no avail because the voices would not even try to comprehend her frail murmur.

So, how does she deal with it?

She writes it here.

Where she prays her words could equate the voice she desires to speak.

trying to elude helplessness with stupid questions... to no avail.

if youre not going to be honest,
dont take this survey.

1. Where is the last place you have
travelled?
~ Adamson...

2. If you were drafted into a war,
would you survive?
~ this is really one thing I've always wanted to find out.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
~ no. our mom taught us to conserve energy.

4. Have you ever drank milk straight
out of the carton?
~ well, yes...

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
~ nope. it's actually frustrating.

6. What is your longest fight with one
of your friends?
~ 10 minutes is long.

7. Are you a fast typer?
~ define fast.

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
~ no.

9. Do you like someone right now?
~ i like many people.

10. What ended your last relationship?
~ insincerity.

12. Do you knock on wood?
~ no. but since, i have superstitious friends, i find myself knocking on metals.

13. Are you drinking anything right
now?
~ no.

14. Do you think you're smart?
~ I'd like to believe I am.

15. Have you ever eaten a bug?
~ yes, a gummy bug. those trolls and yupi.

16. Do you miss someone right now?
~ i always do.

17. What do you want for Christmas?
~ spiritual development.

18. Do you like love songs?
~ yes.

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
~ so far, my family and friends can testify that I do talk... i sometimes converse with my mom and lil sis.

20. Do you remember your 1st crush?
~ no.

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
~ no. but i'd like to eversince i was a kid.

22. When was the last time that you
went swimming and where?
~ June 10. Villa Lim.

23. Do you consider yourself
successful?
~ no. i'm actually struggling to be.

24. How many people are on your
contact list of your cell phone?
~ i don't know and i don't care.

25. Have you ever asked for a horse?
~ yeah! when we were in baguio! i badly want to horseback ride.

26. Plans for 2MORROW?
~ mourn for our insane chapter 4.

27. What did you do this past weekend?
~ pretend i'm doing good with our thesis.

28. Miss being at school this time?
~ no. it's draining me.

29. When is the last time you told
someone you loved them?
~ 3 hours ago.

30. Do you want to be single?
~ i can't be double, can i?

32. Who's your hero?
~ i don't like to consider anybody my hero. i'm not good in dealing with disappointments.

33. Have you ever been suspended or
expelled from school?
~ no.

34. What are you looking forward to?
~ our thesis defense.

35. If you could be stranded with one
person for 24 hours, who would it be?
~ anybody who has the marks of a winner. (oh c'mon!)

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
~ you're starting to irritate me.

38. Can you handle the truth?
~ you're annoyingly inconsistent.

39. Do you like eggs and ham?
~ on mornings.

40. What 3 things do you always bring
with you to places?.
~ pen, something to write on, myself.

41. Any cool scars?
~ when on earth did scars become cool?

42. Are you missing in action?
~ where's the action?

44. Whats your deepest secret?
~ answering this.

45. How often do you talk on the phone?
~ seldom.

46. Do you believe in love?
~ in what level? eros? platonic? i don't want to believe in things that fade. agape? i'd rather.

47. Is there something you want that
you can't have?
~ this is not even a question at all.

48. Four things about the preferred
sex that you first notice?
~ 1, 2 ,3 and 4

49. When was your last time you cried?
~ last night. (i'm not implying that i'm sad in here or anything, i just cried last night without knowing the reason why.)

50. Who did you last hug?
~ lance.

51. Do you get along with your family?
~ yes.

52. Where is your phone?
~ on top of the desk.

53. What was the last thing you ate?
~ my fingernails.

54. Favorite color?
~ lavender, brown, black

55. Last movie you saw?
~ You, Me and Dupree

56. What song are you listening to?
~ tell me.

57. What do you want?
~ peace of mind.

58. Favorite liquor?
~ ___

59. What T.V. shows are you watchin?
~ i'm bored with this.

60. Who was the last person you talked
to on the phone?
~ can't remember.

Repost as 60 honest answer

Thank God, it's done. I apolgize for not being discreet with my annoyance. I'm just drained after finally admitting to myself that our thesis sucks big time. Defense is just 2 weeks away and I still can't prove anything solid regarding our theories and concepts. Damn, I'm worried. Damn well I am! Somebody please tell me I'm not alone in this cynicism!

current state of mind...

I had a surreal realization just minutes ago before I wrote this exact sentence I am writing right now.

I, for almost 20 years, lived a life trying to get people to understand me. And just minutes ago, I came to stanchly face the fact that my cowardly efforts had been in vain. Because, people, no matter how dear or close you are to them; eventhough how much they love or know you, most of the times they would not understand you. Not even close.

And it brings pain to know that at the end of the day, at the end of every issue or burden your struggling with, it would all depend on you. With no one to cling or hold on to. I may be talking in riddles right now but then, why should I not be? Every single thing I have on my little mediocre (thanks mon) head is a riddle. A concoction of never-ending labyrinths and questions.

I'm not sure if I'm speaking here in solitude. At random times, I believe I am. Sometimes I forcefully rekindle a flame that assures me of company. But thinking about it just fuels the frustration more. And it's sad... It's sad to be in this eyes seeing things I don't like to see. Sad to be in this ears hearing thing s don't want to hear. Sad to be in this tongue speaking of things I don't want to speak. And it's sad, sad to be here at this state of mind trying to think of things I should not be thinking.

It's sad.

It's sad to be here unable to understand myself. Not even close.

raining sentiments...

The only advantageous effect of having no classes for 6 straight days (considering that it won't be raining hard on Tuesday) is that I don't have to experience the pressuring hassles of finishing my "I Don't Understand Why" and "I Understand Why" poems. In addition to that, I can tolerate my procrastinating habit and do everything on Monday including my unfinished powerpoint in Ethics.

I don't like it when I stay at home for so long. Well, don't get me wrong. I love to spend quality time with my family. I often miss them whenever school works are becoming too heavy for me. I'm usually not at home. Even when I am, the first thing I do as soon as I get home (usually at around 11:30 P.M. ) is turn on my laptop, become silently impatient at the freaking speed of my forsaken dial-up and do whatever it is that I need to submit the next day. If lucky and I have no assignments (which happens once a week) I still turn on my laptop, become silently impatient at the freaking speed of my REALLY forsaken dial-up and check my Friendster and mail. Then afterwards, I lie on my seemingly casted off bed and I get to stare up stupidly at the ceiling waiting so badly that sleep would fall from it. Unfortunately, sleep eludes me until my mother is ready to prepare my sister's breakfast and lunchbox at 4:30 a.m.

So, these 3-day vacation serves as my real REST. Not that I need rest. I mean, of course I do need rest physically. But these three days didn't relax me at all. I was chased by emotional and intellectual exhaustion. Sometimes, I'd rather be doing something physically tiring than think about a lot of things 'cause it drains my energy more. You see, I miss Lance, so I think about him most of the time. I keep recalling the things we do together like that crazy maymietalk. Everytime I imagine his face, I can't help but let out a huge smile. Even when he's texting me, I still can't help but imagine how he was saying every message as if he was telling it to me personally. I miss my friends so I also think about them. Sometimes I would even reminisce our times together. Mads' and I's mad conversations, Ara's playful countenance, Irene's funny remarks, Sab's sarcastic personality, Mon's newly-established romantic personality, Jens' hilarious blunders, Ran's unexpected modeling poses on unexpected places, Tina's absurd comments with that big toothy smile. I also miss my bestest friends in the world, Kaycee and our intellectual forums and crazy addiction to some Hollywood icons, Janice and our playful verbal fights and Zhe-Ela and our lovelife sharing. I miss my professors and their classes. I miss my classmates. Then there is Papyrus. The newsletter I am so determined to get published. My writers I so badly want to get motivated. My writing that seems to be fading its once shining eloquence.

And so the weariness swarms every section of my system. It is more exhausting than ever.