current state of mind...

I had a surreal realization just minutes ago before I wrote this exact sentence I am writing right now.

I, for almost 20 years, lived a life trying to get people to understand me. And just minutes ago, I came to stanchly face the fact that my cowardly efforts had been in vain. Because, people, no matter how dear or close you are to them; eventhough how much they love or know you, most of the times they would not understand you. Not even close.

And it brings pain to know that at the end of the day, at the end of every issue or burden your struggling with, it would all depend on you. With no one to cling or hold on to. I may be talking in riddles right now but then, why should I not be? Every single thing I have on my little mediocre (thanks mon) head is a riddle. A concoction of never-ending labyrinths and questions.

I'm not sure if I'm speaking here in solitude. At random times, I believe I am. Sometimes I forcefully rekindle a flame that assures me of company. But thinking about it just fuels the frustration more. And it's sad... It's sad to be in this eyes seeing things I don't like to see. Sad to be in this ears hearing thing s don't want to hear. Sad to be in this tongue speaking of things I don't want to speak. And it's sad, sad to be here at this state of mind trying to think of things I should not be thinking.

It's sad.

It's sad to be here unable to understand myself. Not even close.