i won't be getting married soon.

Last night, I was conversing with 2 of my best buds who have been living with me in the apartment for more than a couple of months now. We were talking about our future weddings! Yikes! :-) Nothing yikeyish about it really. This past weeks have been filled with marriage and engagement conversations that made me realize how we're all not getting younger everyday. It was a fun conversation as we try to visualize the dream weddings that we have with our significant others and the inevitable bloopers that we are most likely to commit on those special days.

I just turned 22 early this year and certainly I should not be thinking about marriage yet. Lance and I still have a long way to go. We're both the eldest child in the family and among our cousins on his mother's side and my father's side respectively. We both have big dreams and these glamorous visions of excelling in our own professional careers. We are still planning to go abroad to earn more money so we could enhance the living conditions of our parents in their old age. We have planned not to settle down yet until we haven't ensured the betterment of our parents' lives—at least financially. We would not want to leave them still struggling and working hard for money. We're both the eldest, as I have mentioned, therefore, we intend to provide them everything they need (at least financially) once their beloved children start settling down to live for themselves.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I can get really boring when I try to share this kind of stuff. I usually just write about things that are triggering my emotions. However, last night's conversation left me with that same kind of paranoia that is common to surface when I am worried and afraid about something. I have been working for more than a year now and I haven't saved anything yet for myself (or for my parents). The only contribution that I have given my parents is a bi-monthly payment for my youngest sister's tuition fee. I also inconsistently give them some grands every month if I have an extra. Not that they are demanding for it. Of course not. I know it's really not my obligation to send money every month but I always feel guilty if I don't. The worst part of it is that I decided to live separately so I could lift some burden at home (I eat nonstop and consume too much electricity watching cable TV and surfing the net) but it seem to me that I have just burdened them more by borrowing money this week for my electric bill at the apartment.

The thing is I can't discipline myself when it comes to my luxuries which is eating and watching films. Right now fishkeeping has added much more to my financial worries (I can't seem to grow up and realize that fishes die and they're meant to when their keeper is a dimwitted brat). So, how can I provide them the betterment that they deserve if I can't even handle my own silly fetishes in life?

You know what, maybe I shouldn't get married. Or I should just get married and get all my dreams over and ABSOLUTELY NOT done with.

Or better, I should stop getting carried away with Mads and Sab's serious conversation about marriage and get myself some real good life. Besides no one's proposing anyway. Such a retard.