I'm a Failure in Caretaking (I'm sorry)

I recently lost one of my Red Cap Oranda I named PeeNay. My brother woke me up and broke the news last Sunday morning. She only lasted 4 days in my care. Such an incident should not have bothered me a great deal but that day has been one of the gloomiest day I have ever encountered. It surprised me that I felt so emotional about the news. I mean, how can I possible get so heartbroken about the death of a 4 day old fish which I cannot even cuddle and touch? I'm really not a pet or an animal lover. I haven't got a pet of my own for about 17 years. The last pet I have had (with my brother) was a white rat which lasted for a night after getting ambushed in his little cage by a stray cat. We were never allowed to have any animals at home so out of desperation my brother and I would end up imprisoning black ants and huge flies on table glasses.

When I grew up and started earning money, I have thought about saving up for a healthy retriever or chow chow out of a pet shop but I never really got into doing it due to my mother refusing to have any furry animals inside the house. I would not want to put the dog outside or in a cage for that would seem like an “askal” treatment. So, on Lance and I's celebration of our 37th month as romantic partners and best friends, I was attacked again by my recurring self-proclaimed mental disorder called “irresistible impulsiveness” when we started checking out pets in Bioresearch at Park Square Makati. I have only around P400 left on my pouch so when the fishes caught my eye I was hypnotized to take one home. I ordered a small fish tank, a kilo of little rocks, fish pellets, a small bundle of live plant and an air pump. I decided on taking home a Red Cap Oranda goldfish because I became smitten with its seemingly red lump (wen) on its forehead. Payment was a disaster because the store was already closed when I finally decided on what to buy for my fish. When the cashier gave me a voucher for P570, I panicked. I pulled out every penny that I have from my pouch and disorganized bag but I only came up with P400 plus something. Lance had to shell out his last P70-bus fare so we could reach the P570 amount needed but still we were around P30 short. The cashier and sales assistant had to help us out in cutting out other less necessary accessories from my order. The negotiation ended with me leaving the store only with a Red Cap Oranda, an air pump, a kilo of rocks and a sachet of tetrafin pellets. I immediately named my oranda, PeeNoy. Nothing really special. It was the first word that went out of my mouth when Lance asked me its name so we decided that it's a boy which was kinda stupid. The next day, I withdrew all of my savings to buy my PeeNoy company in his small fish tank and put some water plants for natural oxygen. It was PeeNay's day the next day. It was fun having both of them around as they would not stop circling the fish tank trying to chase and elude each other. Every morning before I leave the apartment for work, I would feed them and tell them I would be back in no time. I read and researched articles online about Red Cap Orandas so I could provide them more care and maintain their health. Every night before I shut the lights off, I would take a peek and bid them good night. I even asked them both to stay with me for a long time. I was working at home last week so I really enjoyed having them around chasing each other and distracting me from my long moments of deadpan state. It was last Saturday when I started noticing both of them resting side by side looking outside—looking less healthy each time.

When Jun (my younger brother) described to me the details of PeeNay's death, I can't help but feel guilty that I was not home when she passed away. He told me how he came to the apartment seeing PeeNay staying still on a particular area. She was not moving around but she was still alive then. Jun tried to feed her but she never came up to the surface to eat so PeeNoy took all the pellets. It was after 15 minutes approximately when Jun checked on her again and she was already floating on the surface upside down. He scooped her with a spoon and tried to revive her in a glass of water to see if she can still make it but she was already dead. I asked Jun if he had already disposed the garbage bag where he put PeeNay away and he said yes. I was actually disheartened to know that I could not see her one last time to say goodbye. Sunday was so gloomy that I decided to leave Laguna as soon as possible to check on PeeNoy. I was not supposed to go to our Makati apartment until Monday morning but knowing that PeeNoy was alone and could be floating dead on his tank was something I could not bear to think while in our home in Laguna. That Sunday night, my mother, Jun, my 10-year old sister, A.J., my aunt Tita Lily and my cousin Joy accompanied me to the apartment to get Jun's things as he was moving back home due to financial difficulties. PeeNoy was still moving around but this time less enthusiastic. I'm not sure if this has something to do with him losing his tank mate. They said goldfishes really have short term memory loss so it is unlikely that he even remembers having PeeNay around.

These past days PeeNoy's health have extremely worsened. He is not moving around the tank anymore. He stays on one spot which seems to me like he is simply waiting for his death to come. Once in a while I would check on him to see if he's still alive. He has a couple of white spots on his wen and his once glamorous fins have lost its silkiness. I tried researching online for solutions and advices on how I can treat PeeNoy's health predicament at this moment but I could not completely understand what medications do I really need to buy for him. I'm planning to stop by a pet shop to get some accurate medications but I realized that I'm not even sure if PeeNoy would still be there when I come home. He could be dead by now and I feel so panicky that I am not home. He could be floating on his tank now and no one's available to scoop him out. I could imagine him now on the surface all alone with the air pump still buzzing and producing continuous bubbles for his oxygen need. He would not need it anymore. He might even be floating on the bubbles and bumping on the tube and nobody is even there to get him out of his undignified position.

Oh God, how could such little fishes make me feel so miserable? I was planning on buying them a larger tank after a couple of months so they could have more space. I wanted to buy a small water filter to maintain their water's quality. I should have researched all of these before I bought them. They would probably still be chasing each other right at this moment while I am not distracted here at work not writing this emotional blog entry. Lance's joke is still crystal clear in my head right now:

“Malas naman ni PeeNoy, Maymie.”
“Bakit?”
“Binili mo kasi sya eh.” Then he laughed softly.

When he said that, I wanted so bad to prove to him he could be wrong—that I could take care of my fish. I realized how irresponsible I was when I allowed my irritable impulsiveness to take over that night. PeeNoy and PeeNoy would probably still be in their big well-equipped aquarium in Bioresearch—healthy and alive. I don't know why PeeNay's death and PeeNoy's failing health are affecting me so much emotionally. I guess aside from the fact that I became so indulged in taking care of them these past days, I failed to prove myself capable of taking responsibility effectively. I didn't only fail PeeNoy and PeeNay, I also failed myself. My inability to take care of them really good reflects my attitude in facing responsibilities. It is an eye-opening experience for me. Responsibilities are not all about loving or simply following rules. It's about being financially, emotionally ready and well-informed about the possible consequences and angles of one responsibility.

I'm going out on a one-hour lunch after I publish this entry. I will run off to the apartment to check on PeeNoy. He could be dead or he could still be stationary on the spot where I left him earlier this day. Last night, in the presence of my friend Mads, I told PeeNoy I'm sorry and I swear I heard my voice crack. I wanted to cry then if only I wasn't afraid Mads would laugh at my shallowness. I know she would understand but still I've got too much ego to cry over a couple of forgetful goldfishes.

I'm not sure what I want to see once I open the door in my apartment. The fish tank is located on top of my personal fridge and it is placed in full view once you enter the place. It would hurt to see it lifeless and it would hurt to see it still motionless but still trying to live. PeeNoy could have died earlier than PeeNay as I took him first to his demise when I decided to buy him last week. But he stayed 3 more days after PeeNay's death. He's trying to survive--and there's nothing I can do but try so hard to keep my emotions in control--while pushing back tears that other people might think unworthy to shed for a couple of little Red Cap Orandas...

Oh God, I'm so sorry.