i know i did not do anything wrong but i apologized anyway

It is becoming a habit of mine to apologize for nothing. No, let me rephrase that--it is becoming a habit of mine to apologize for making a person feel bad for something I said or did which I honestly did not mean to. Apparently, I'm losing my grip with good communication. Well, actually it's just for this one person who I respect and care about so much. From the moment I started admiring her, she always makes me feel guilty for every mistake that I commit in my life. She's an inspiration and obviously an oblivious guidance to me. She taught me how to encourage myself and make myself better not for someone else but for me and for God. No, let me rephrase that again--she taught us. She's probably not even aware she is one of the factors of change in my life and in my beliefs. Or maybe she is aware--and she is already used to being considered as the best one or the greatest one. She probably got fed up with us, little kids, adoring her and telling her how inspiring and encouraging she is. She probably got so irritated having people requesting for her time and attention.

This is unfair. I am unfair. I don't even know her personally. I have little idea how her mind is set or how she really is as a friend. All I know is that she changed me and I can't think of a way to repay the kindness and understanding that she had shown me before. But I'm being unfair now because I am hurt. I was walking with Lance somewhere in Q.C. yesterday when I suddenly ask him to stop so I could sit on the grass. He knew I intend to take the time off to cry. I started crying my eyes out for a text message from her that did not seem right and real to me. She did not like the tone of my message. She did not like the tone of my message. She did not like it yet all the while I was thinking I was being too polite. I guess the message came out differently to her because every time I text her, I always make sure that I am polite and that I do not sound like an idiot. I usually read them twice or thrice before sending just to make sure I have no grammar lapses or wrong punctuation even if I'm writing in Tagalog. Can you see how desperate I am to impress this person?

I don't know what happened. I don't know what's wrong. But I have noticed her coldness even before this incident. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the favor I have asked from her. I'm not sure about anything at all. It's probably my fault. I don't know why it always ends up being my fault.

I realized something yesterday, though. I apologized a number of times because I have always believed in the fact that she could never be wrong. She's right. My friends are right. I shouldn't patronize her. She's a human being. I can't just allow her to make me feel bad about myself. I must stand up for myself because I did not do anything wrong. She did not even send me a response to tell me that my apologies are accepted. She just left me there waiting the whole night and wondering like a retard if she's still mad. But I need to go on. Lance said I shouldn't worry much. Besides, she's probably not even aware how the incident still drives me mad until this very moment.