frustrating goodbyes

Last September 21, I saw my 11-year old cousin, Joanne, sitting quietly on the sofa who seemed to be on the verge of crying. Mama, Papa, AJ, and I were about to leave to go back home to Laguna. Barbara, my other 9-year old cousin was sitting on the staircase staring at us as our family exchange hugs and kisses with my grandmother, aunts and uncles. Joanne and Barbara are AJ's playmates throughout our 2-day stay in Pangasinan. I gave Joanne a warm hug and said goodbye to Barbara. I could just feel Joanne's frustration vibrating on my body as she tried unsuccessfully to cover her sadness with a teary white-toothed smile.

When Jun and I were kids, our whole family would visit our grandparents house in Pangasinan once a year where we would spend about 2 to 4 days strolling around the town and playing with the pigs. It was always the same routine. Upon arriving, we would spend the first few hours ignoring Meljohn, Nineng, and Matong out of shyness. Then after some parental efforts, we would find ourselves enjoying each other's company playing patintero, mataya-taya, tumbang preso, and langit lupa. We also enjoyed fooling around our Tito Eloy's tricycle or Tito Mel's bicycle. I can even remember constantly picking the “S” volume of the encyclopedia to check out pictures of snakes and they would all gather around me to look (though they have seen them all their lives). We would even ask our parents to allow us to sleep together in one room so we could wrestle and scare the hell out of each other's wits. One of the most remarkable moments that I have with them was our beach trip in Bayambang. We kept fighting the huge waves and drowning each other for fun. I was already in college at that time yet I was having the time of my life playing with them on the shore like we always did when we were kids. I actually went home on my wet clothes. I had to go home with a huge towel wrapped around me because I have forgotten to bring the bag where I stuffed my clothes due to utmost excitement. I didn't think it was embarrassing. I actually thought it was fun.

The sad part would always be the time of parting. Just when we were getting all comfortable with each other, we have to say goodbye and end the short vacation. It was frustrating. Yes, I always missed our cousins back in Laguna every time we're in Pangasinan but it wasn't that hard to say goodbye because we knew we would be back in no time. I have always wished we could've had more time with our cousins in Pangasinan. This is why I could just relate to Joanne and Barbara's sadness. All the perkiness faded from them when the clock struck 1:00 am—it's time for the first trip back to Manila. Even AJ has stopped yelling and laughing. I saw the three of them bid each other goodbye but they never hugged or kissed. I wish I could just tell them it's okay and that we would be back next year, anyway. But I just knew how horrible the feeling is knowing that next year, we have to start over again. The next time we visit, we have to adjust again to fill in one year of distance and no communication.

Now, Meljohn, Nineng, Matong don't interact much with Jun and me anymore. I'm not sure if it's one of the side effects of all the abrupt Hi's and Goodbye's in a short period of time. Maybe we all realized that there's no use trying to build something because we are aware that it won't be long until we part again. Or maybe we are just simply growing up and having different lives. I hope it's the latter because I don't want to spoil everything for my sister, Barbara, and Joanne. I have seen how they enjoyed each other's company so much even for only two days. I hope they keep in touch.