Journal Entry (9/9/2006 1:27 PM)

9/9/2006 1:27 PM
Subject: The Coward That I Am
Author: Claudine Claudio


Some girls feel good about themselves when they see their boyfriends crying because of them. Well, in my case, I thought I would too but the moment I felt Lance’s tears on my shoulder, I knew happiness isn’t the name of the emotion I was going through.

We had a fight yesterday afternoon on the bus on our way home to Laguna. No, “we” isn’t the appropriate term. “I” fought with him. He was practically just defending himself like he always does whenever I put up a fight. Last Thursday while he was sharing some of his memorable experiences, some names caught my ear which triggered bad memories. Paranoia started to take over me once again. I tried not to worry of many things but I keep coming back to my analysis and hypothetical theories regarding our relationship. The truth is his past keeps troubling me. Every time I think about the disturbing things he has done in the past, I can’t help but worry that one day he would be tempted to do them again. That’s the silliest habit I have. Comparing the past to the present. Thinking the past will always have a connection to our present and future life. And that is so true, if I may state, even if I do not belong in his past.

Yesterday, I showed him the worst feeling somebody could ever show…

Distrust.

Suspicion.

Doubt.

I could not look straight in his eyes when he asked me the questions, “Wala ka pa rin talagang tiwala sa’kin noh?” “Hindi mo talaga maramdaman na mahal kita?” “Hindi mo pa rin makita?”

Gazing outside the window I shook my head, “Hindi ko alam…”

“Naiintindihan kita bakit hindi mo kaya magtiwala sa’kin.”

“Pa’no mo nasabing naiintindihan mo’ko?” I asked.

“Dahil sa nakaraan ko. Mahirap ako pagkatiwalaan. Wala na talaga nagtitiwala sa’kin.”

I wished to speak. To tell him he’s wrong. That I trust him. That I’m just afraid. But instead I chose to gaze out of the window so I could think more clearly.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Then I was surprised when he leaned his head on my shoulder. “Sorry po… Naiintindihan naman kita eh. Sorry po…” He clinged to my left arm and buried his head on my shoulder. I didn’t respond. I wanted to scold him for being so considerate and understanding to me because I knew it wasn’t his fault. But I stayed quiet still staring outside the highway. Then some seconds later I felt the shoulder portion of my uniform wetting. I knew it was his tears. He was crying and I didn’t feel good about it at all. Instead I felt fury. Furious with myself for being a bitch. For being a coward. For being stupid. For purposely blinding myself from what I am seeing.

“Ginagawa ko naman kasi lahat eh ‘wag ka lang mawala sa’kin…” I heard him say between sobs. I could feel the emotions racing through my body. I wanted to cry too but I tried real hard to contain my emotions. I felt so bad about myself that I wished I could just bang my head on the glass window. I’ve hurt him. And seeing him in that condition made me feel so undeserving of his love.

The truth is I trust him. I trust the promises that he gave me. The love that he has for me. I trust him when he said he’s changing for me. I truly do. But I’m afraid to admit to him that I’m giving him it to him fully. I’m afraid that it would sooner or later become my weakness. Because I don’t trust today’s time. I’ve witnessed many relationships failed. I don’t trust the circumstances that may change us. People of today are too weak. And Lance and I are part of today’s world. I’ve seen how marriages can break. I’ve seen how love can fade and the fact that it does fade. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. No matter how hard we try to detach ourselves from conformity, there will always be temptations. I love him. And I’m afraid this time it is true. I am a coward for wanting to run away from the pain love may cause. I am a coward for doubting and not accepting the fact that somebody truly loves me as me. I am a coward for hurting him like that.

They said that it’s easiest to take somebody for granted when you are aware of how much they love you. I took Lance for granted. Of all people, how could I even begin to think that he isn’t sincere? How could I doubt him after all that he’s done for me? How could I be such a coward? When all the while he’s doing everything to be brave for me?

I’m sorry. Not only to Lance but also to God. For hurting the person He has blessed me. For taking His gift for granted. For not appreciating it. I’m sorry for being a coward.

Seeing My Most Favorite Person in the World Cry...

"One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child. "
~Carl Jung

I can't remember the last time I have ever felt so bothered in school. A lot of things have been happening these past few weeks. Product development, Battle of the Ads, radio commercial, projects in Computer Literacy, Essay and Editorial paper, Film analysis, midterm exams, etc. I feel so tired and exhausted. Different subjects but one huge pressure. I could actually feel my shoulders slouching with too much weight. I can't even feel the weekends. But I know this is the load every college student has to experience to be able to ready himself/herself for the real world outside school campus.

Yes, I feel tired but that doesn't mean I feel like giving up. No, of course not. No way. I'm actually enjoying the pressure this semester is giving me. And in this blog entry, I'm giving out one of the major reasons why I still have the energy to endure the weights I currently have on my shoulder. Ma'am Jen. My Film and Editorial professor. Because she never fails to lighten up my school days. She serves as my major inspiration to see everything that comes my way with a positive attitude. She's my guide and mentor who gives me courage to believe that I am important and that I could be somebody someday. She makes my years spent as a Mass Communication student remarkable and significant.

But yesterday, the loads I'm carrying suddenly seemed to weigh down more on my already wearying shoulders. We have hurt Ma'am Jen's feelings. My classmates showed disrespect in her Editorial class when they continued discussing activities on our other subjects while she was already speaking out front. She scolded us for a while “’Pag oras ko, oras ko!” and afterwards tried to discuss the lesson with a cold face. I felt so numb listening to her lesson that I wasn't able to understand much of the discussion. We saw how she stomped her feet when she told us to stay in the room for she will be back after an interview. How I can imagine her teeth gritting in anger behind that tight-lipped mouth after asking a question about the editorial cartoon presented by the overhead projector. How her eyes and voice insinuated coldness. How she lost her once soothing and encouraging voice. How her face deprived us of the smile we are so used to seeing everyday. I saw how she changed from my most favorite person in the world to a cold professor who is hurt. But I didn't see my Ma'am Jen. Especially when she started nagging at us again about how disrespectful we are. I could not look at her anymore because I can't see my Ma'am Jen so I looked down with my eyes fixed on Dave Pelzer's book resting on my lap. She accused us for putting her subjects as our least priority in school. How I wish to speak up and tell her it's not true! She accused us for abusing and taking advantage of her kindness. She accused us of more things that I have never ever, in my years of being her student, thought of doing. Then after a while of listening to her, I could feel a lump on my throat. My eyes were trying so hard to push back the tears not because I feel guilty of the things she had said, but because I couldn't tell her how wrong she was. Moments later, I heard her voice broke but still I didn't look at her. My eyes stayed on the book but I knew there were tears on my favorite professor's eyes. “Hindi ako demanding. Binigyan ko kayo ng isang araw na rest day dahil alam ko hindi lang ako ang klase niyo. Hindi ako nagdedemand! Kung gusto nyo we can see each other less.” That statement evoked fear in me. “If possible ipopost ko na lang ‘yung mga topics sa labas para hindi na kayo papasok sa klase ko. Sa Film, ganun na lang din gawin natin! Ipopost ko sa labas ‘yung DVD magdecide na lang kayo kailan nyo papanoorin tapos pati exam ipopost ko na lang din.” Now that made me think to myself, “No… ‘Yun ngang one day na walang Editorial class nakakalungkot na, ‘yun pa kayang walang class at all with Ma’am Jen!” Of course it was just a thought but how I wish Ma’am Jen could know that. “Pwede naman kasing huwag mamili eh! Pwedeng pagsabay sabayin ang priorities. Hindi kailangang mamili!” She asked about how we could do such thing to her. To her, whom we have spent more quality and fun time rather than our other professors. “Ako... na mas matagal niyong nakasama...” were her exact words. Her voice broke again and then she walked out of the room. That was the time when I finally raised my head. An awkward silence enveloped the room for a while until we heard Ma'am Jen's furious voice at the back of the room (where their tables were located) sobbing to our other professor. I turned to my friend Sabrina and whispered, “Oh my God, Sab, magsorry tayo...” Then my other friend Ara gave me a look that insinuates gloominess. Ma'am Jen is all so important for us. It pains us to see her that way. We could still hear Ma'am Jen sobbing at the back. We had no idea what to do but we knew we have to apologize. Jens, my other friend stood up at last and approached Ma'am Jen. We waited. Then he came back sobbing. Ma'am Jen yelled, "Bakit kayo umiiyak? May ginawa ba akong masama?" My head returned to its previous position, towards the book on my lap. "Wala naman akong ginagawa sa inyo ah! Para namang kayo ang inapi ng husto! Ako pa nga ang inagrabyado nyo diba? Umalis na kayo. You're dismissed."

She left. But I didn't move. I didn't dare. Because I decided I wouldn't leave there without at least apologizing to my favorite professor. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I never discuss other subjects in her class because I knew Ma’am Jen hates it when her students do that. When she’s already in front, I’m all ears. I don’t like the idea of missing any of her statements. That’s how important she is to me. That’s why when my classmates decided to leave I told them that we should apologize first. Mami, my other friend, said “’Wag muna ngayon, Claudine. Palipasin muna natin mainit pa ulo ni Ma’am.” She has a point but I still thought we have nothing to lose if we at least tell her we’re sorry before we go. It is expected that she might snub us or push us away but my point there is, we apologized and we didn’t leave her there without a sign of remorse. But still they left without saying anything to Ma’am Jen. But Sabrina, Ara, Roselyn and I stayed. We all agreed to apologize even if we knew we didn’t do anything wrong. We just wanted her to know that she still have students who prioritize her subjects over or just the same with other major subjects. We waited there inside the room all thinking about what we were going to say. Then we decided to approach her at last. Ara pushed me into speaking out first. The moment I was just about 2 yards away from her, Irene, our other friend came back to the Media Center just in time when I, for the first time, stared into Ma’am Jen’s unfamiliar red puffy eyes. I could not bring myself to speak. I could see pain in my favorite professor’s eyes and it honestly broke my heart. Trying to collect myself but to no avail, I finally blurted out, “Sorry po, Ma’am…” She just stared at me as she moved towards us so I repeated, “Ma’am, sorry po—talaga.” And this time my voice broke just in time to give way to the held back tears that has been desperately waiting to surface. I immediately looked down to hide them but I know it’s too late. Then I heard Ara sobbed for the first time, “Ma’am hindi naman po kasi totoong hindi namin kayo pinaprioritize eh. Kayo nga po ang pinaprioritize namin eh.” She was crying her eyes out which just hollowed out all the emotions in my system. I couldn’t suppress the tears no more so I let them out. Besides my throat was hurting badly out of holding back the flow of tears. Then Ma’am Jen instructed us to go back inside the room where no one could walk in on us. Then as soon as we sat down with our heads down she asked, back to her soothing voice, “Bakit kayo umiiyak? Bakit kayo ang nandito at nagsosorry? Wala naman kayong ginawa ‘diba? Bakit kayo apektado?” We couldn’t answer that because I, myself, do not know why I felt so apologetic. “Hindi nga ako makatingin sa inyo eh…” “Nakita ko nga na kayo ‘yung mga hindi talaga umaalis sa upuan ninyo.” It was a very dramatic moment. Everyone was crying. Ma’am Jen apologized for also sending out the message to us. I really couldn’t help but cry more. “Alam niyo naman na gusto ko ‘yung class niyo kaya ako ganito…” “Huwag na kayo umiyak…”

Then out of nowhere, Ma’am Jen blurted, “Oh Irene, ikaw naman umiyak diyan! Para alternate.” We laughed out loud. “Nay, si Sab umiiyak walang panyo! Yuck kadiri! Pinupunasan ng kamay?! Malagkit yan!” We really couldn’t stop laughing. Then I finally stared at her, “Oh si Claudine ang lungkot na naman pero sa labas laging nambubully. ‘Yung malalaking tao pa! Binubully si Montefrio?! Hinahatak!” To Ara, “Ayan ang kapal na ng mata mo abot na dito nasasalat ko!” Then as we stood up, she bid her last joke, “O Irene, tama na iyak tapos na.”

We said our goodbyes. She gave Ara a big hug. Sabrina and Roselyn, a group hug. I, she held my head with her hands and kissed me on the forehead. Then lastly, Irene, a hug.

I still think that yesterday is one of the most memorable days of my life. To see my favorite professor cry and to show deep emotions myself was tough. I’m not used to allowing myself to become emotional in public. But yesterday was different, I realized how deeply attached I am to my professor. That’s because like what she said she doesn’t treat us as students anymore. Our class with Ma’am Jen actually feels more like a big circle of friends. Today, in our Film class, we can sense that she’s still mad. Her eyes were still swollen and at times she seemed like crying again. She lectured with the same coldness she had yesterday. She didn’t even greet us a Good Morning which she regularly did before. This day is saddening. Ma’am Jen serves as one major factor that determines the quality of my school days. Since hers is my first class and this day started with a cold treatment from her, this day is a total mess. She ignored us (Ara, Irene and Kathy) twice when she came across us along the corridor of the Media Center. It was puzzling because we thought everything was already fine between us. Ara and I were so deeply bothered and concerned by her behavior. We couldn’t bear to see her so unhappy in our presence. It was affecting us not only emotionally but also in terms of catching up with her lessons. I could not concentrate on her lectures because I was distracted by her depressed countenance. But the most confusing thing that happened today was when I was by myself running around inside the Media Center to ready for our radio commercial rehearsal. I ran into Ma’am Jen on my way to the radio booth. I looked at her then I was shocked when she said, “Hi Claudine!” in the same lively voice she always used before when greeting me. I was too shocked to react so I just bowed my head as a sign of acknowledgement. Then while waiting for Mon-Mon’s reply outside the Media Center gazing at the OZ building in front of me, I was surprised to see Ma’am Jen walking towards me. She smiled and said, “Oh bakit malungkot ka? Tapos hinahangin hangin pa yung buhok mo…” I laughed but it was a pained laugh. I wanted so badly to ask her, “Ma’am, ganito na po ba tayo lagi sa class natin sa Editorial at Film?” But I kept the question to myself. I’m still confused. But in reality I am also afraid. Afraid that Ma’am Jen would lose her once affection for our class. I know my friends and I would be free of that unaffectionate treatment but still I feel somewhat responsible. Because those are still OUR class. I’m afraid. Afraid that Ma’am Jen would think we do not have any difference from the previous batch she also had an issue with the same reasons like ours.

Before I finish this entry, I would like to post the question that’s been haunting me since yesterday. Why did we apologize when we know we didn’t do anything wrong?

My answer?

Because we want Ma’am Jen to feel that some of her students still care so much about her. That some of her students get bothered quickly when she gets hurt. That some of her students are willing to take the blame to make up with her. That some of her students can put aside their pride to show their sincerity. That some of her students are brave enough to face her even when they expect her to push them away. That some of her students gets easily affected when she’s angry.

And lastly, we want Ma’am Jen to know that some of her students sincerely love her not for the grades but because she had shown love no other professor has ever shown us before...

I'm just as lucky as I can be 'cause the world's greatest teacher is teaching me!

The mediocre teacher tells.
The good teacher explains.
The superior teacher demonstrates.
The great teacher inspires.
--William Arthur Ward


I have always been the type of person who gets inspired easily. I guess, as an aspiring writer, I need all the inspiration I can get. But if you could see me these past few months, I bet you’ll probably think I’ve lost my mind when I said that first statement.

Ma’am___ is the type of teacher who doesn’t look like one at all. She wears odd-looking ukay-ukay clothes and shoes, short boyish hair that is sort of long at the back and a beautiful smile that always seemed threatening to break into a laugh. On Wednesdays, which is a “wash day” for Adamsonians, you’ll often come across her in the corridors walking fast with her head slightly stooping and you’ll probably just disregard her as some tardy student hurrying for class. Well, without the bag and books, of course. She is always in a hurry even when she is walking with somebody. It must be hard walking with her. I wonder how much more if she’s running. Lode runner, is that you? Just kidding! :D

Before she even became my professor, I’ve heard rumors about her greatness in class. It actually fascinated the hell out of me. So when I found out she was my professor last semester in “Introduction to Mass Communication & Theories”, I could not wait to attend the class. (Well, actually, I didn’t attend our first meeting. I sort of became the kind of student who doesn’t attend first meetings ever since I entered 2nd year.) But still I am telling the truth when I say I’m dying to be in her class. ‘Coz ‘til now, I am still. I could still remember how much I anticipate attending her class. Our Comm. Theories started at 4:00 to 5:00 p.m. Since my classes last semester starts at 11 a.m. then I have a vacant time of 1-3 every Wednesday, I usually went to the mall to watch a film, alone or not. I had “Introduction to Journalism” at 3:00 but I seldom attend that class because I really find it boring. Well, it could’ve been an interesting subject but the professor practically bored me. There was this one time when I watched Merry Christmas (Joyeux Noel) alone in SM Manila, and it was about to get past 4 but still it wasn’t finished yet so I hurried out and asked the lady in charged of the tickets to put a stamp on my hand so I could go back later to finish the film. I really don’t like the idea of missing a class of my favorite professor. I’ll probably stop at anything when it’s time to come to her class. I have learned a great deal from her last semester. Not just within the scope of our subject but also about general information. She taught us not to become some dumb-ass who’s all right with media spoon-feeding. To start thinking and stop conforming.

This semester she’s my professor in two of my subjects: Film Appreciation MWF 8:00-9:00 a.m. and Editorial & Column Writing TTh 9:00-10-30 a.m. both my first subject for the day. Therefore, I have a class with her 5 days a week for 5 months. And if you ask me, I prefer it so much ‘coz I get to start my day seeing Ma’am___'s jolly nature and hearing her fine teachings.

I’m not really close with this great professor. Unlike with my other favorite professor Ma’am Lizelle, I had the chance to hang out and build friendship with her. But with this great professor, who’s the subject of this entry, it’s different. It’s as if she’s friends with everybody. She actually knows all her student’s names by heart. I have friends who have commonly testified to me that they were surprise to know that our great professor knew them by name. Even though, they weren’t reciting in class at all. She loves to ask questions in class. Questions that once you have answered would truly make you feel good about yourself. She never misses commending you once you give out an intelligent question or answer. I guess that’s one reason why I love this great professor of mine. Because she’s aware of how students like me, with fluctuating self-confidence, can be boosted with just a simple commendation from somebody. Me, I do recite sometimes, mostly out of impulse or when no one else in the class is raising their hands. But I’m not really the kind of student who talks in class a lot. ‘Coz I could be really ignorant of a lot of things. Though, I wanted badly to participate in class discussions most of the time especially when I’ve got good ideas to contribute and questions to ask, but it’s just that, I keep having this feeling that I would just get humiliated once I open my mouth to speak. I guess this is the outcome of too much exposure to humiliations when I was younger. But I’m really trying hard to overcome it because the teachings of my great professor is really motivating me to do so.

The reason I’m writing this is because my insane friend, Ara (just kidding!), reminded me to finish this last Thursday. She told me with this bright smile on her face after our Editorial class that, “Sabi ko pa naman ngayong araw na’to kahit si Ma’am___ hindi ako mapapatawa…” Yes, she’s absolutely right. We were all overwhelmingly enlightened as soon as we exited the Media Center. Ara and I, think that it was the best Editorial class we had so far. We didn’t discuss our lesson. We just passed our Editorial paper then Ma’am started lecturing us about thinking differently. Ma’am___ would not stop joking around so I can’t clearly remember if we ever stopped laughing the whole period. These are some of the memorable statements she had said in our Editorial class. Not her exact words (Gosh, I can’t possibly memorize all her speech word by word!) but something to this effect.


1.I’m encouraging you not to think like average people. Huwag kayong mag-isip ng normal! Get out of the box!
2.It’s not true na a writer is shaped or molded, there are born writers.
3.Huwag kayo bibili sa mga dispensers dinadaga yung mga yun. Tignan nyo try nyo buksan may makikita kayo mga daga umiihi, pumupupu… ahh.. (looks up at the ceiling) …tumatambay!
4.According to George Orwell and Antoine Saint-Exupery, my dalawang type ng coffee drinkers, ung “aroma” and “robust”
5.Nakita nyo na ba kong nagsuot ng branded? Hindi pa! Mas masaya pag hindi ka nagcoconform. Mas Malaya. Iwasan nyo muna ang pagpunta sa mga malls dahil diyan ngmumula ang conformity.
6.(In writing) Pag tingin nyo yung naisip nyo ay naisip na ng iba ‘wag nyo na isulat. Umisip pa kayo ng iba na magdidistinguish sa inyo sa iba.
7.Search simple pleasures in small things. Manood kayo CineMalaya. Have coffee with your friends. Magbasa kayo.
8.(Looking sad) Hindi ako nakapunta sa mall tour ni Doraemon nung Saturday. Nagcheck kasi kami ng papel dito. Naiisip ko everytime titingin ako sa clock, ‘andun na un!’, ‘start na!’, ‘nagpapalaro na!’. Ang dami daw freebies!
9.Minsan nalilito na’ko, parang pag hinarap sa’kin si Tobey Maguire at Doraemon (swiftly shifts eyes from imaginary Doraemon to imaginary Tobey Maguire) sino ba pipiliin ko?! (acts desperate) O kaya Wentworth Miller or Doraemon?! Doraemon... Doraemon...
10.Huwag kayo matakot magtanong. Kung hindi nyo alam magtanong kayo.
11.Meron isang painter ang nagsabi na ang pinakamatinding kaaway ng “magaling na tao(forgot the exact term she used again)” ay pag naging conscious siya sa sasabihin ng iba.
12.Lahat ng matinong teacher hangad na malampasan sila ng mga estudyante nila.
13.Gusto namin ni Sir Edward nyo ‘tong batch ninyo, kasi parang lahat kayo hungry for learning. Willing kayo matuto. Tsaka marami kaming nakikitang promising students na pwedeng maging somebody someday. Hindi nyo ba napapansin sinasabi lagi sa inyo ni Sir Edward nyo, ‘Wag kayo magbabago ha…” Sana nga huwag kayo magbago.


These are not her exact words but these are how I have understood everything she had told us. Ma’am___ isn’t just a professor to me. She has become somebody who has touched my life in the most possible way. She changed some of my distorted views about a lot of things. She helped me get out of my box. She might not be aware of it but she pushed me closer to God. I sometimes visit her blog hoping to see a new didactic entry ‘coz you could really learn a lot from her. Her bank of knowledge is like the solar system or the entire galaxy to be exact ‘coz vast information seemed to be spread out accordingly in her head. I remember how she keeps telling me to smile more 'coz I always look serious and that I look better when I smile. Sometimes she would shout, "Oh malungkot ka na naman! Ang aga aga!" I really can't help but laugh. Then gradually I tried to change, tried to smile more. And yes, she actually noticed that I wasn't so serious-looking anymore. Well, can I tell her? That I've learned to smile more because I'm just as lucky as I can be 'cause the world's greatest teacher is teaching me!

I wish all professors have compassion and dedication like her. She’s a true role model to me. I wish everybody could see the beauty beyond the boyish looks and hilarious remarks. I wish she could touch a lot more lives with her teachings and inspiring personality. I wish I could thank her enough in the future. I wish she stays the same. I wish her all the blessing in the world. I have a lot of wishes. But for now, I’ve got one wish that I wish so badly to come true…

I WISH SHE COULD READ THIS AND WHEN SHE FINALLY DOES, I WISH SHE'LL KNOW I’M TALKING ABOUT HER.

Journal Entry (07/17/06 2:32 A.M.)

2:32 A.M. 07/17/06


Subject: Earth Slave
Author: Claudine F. Claudio


The world has turned into an upstart. I remember how my friend Melson Fernando once remarked to me that he consider himself as somebody for whom the world turns. Well not exactly like that, but something to that effect. A quote I have stolen from guidance testing office in Adamson provoked him to say that. Because I told him that I believe, in contrast to his, that I exist for the world. I thought I had the right belief then. I even considered Melson's remark as somewhat bragging. But now, I've learned that what he actually said was right. Why should I revolve for the world when it is literally revolving for me? Why should I conform to its rules when I am a part of God's reason why it is existing?


I can't believe I have turned into an Earth's slave. It is depressing to know that I have worked so hard to prove to everyone that I am worthy. But all this while I was trying to prove it, I'm actually falling into one the Earth's ingenious tricks to trap me into slavery. I feel so dumb. Oh God, whatever happened to me?


/ingenue07